Welcome to January! Or as we in the biz like to call it, the dumping month! No, Kevin, that doesn’t mean hitting the craft services table a little longer and spending a little more time in your trailer. It means it’s time to finally release the dregs of our past year on an unsuspecting public. Analysis says no month has a better cash-to-festering-turd ratio, so without further ado, here’s the Snodgrass Studios January lineup!
- Days of War – Mark Wahlberg stars as a guy in the army (or marines or something, who cares?). He fights some bad guys, maybe his wife is dead or something. He shouts a lot. Note: the “Bay Ratio” of nonwhite to white bad guys is over 60:1, which I believe to be a record!
- War of Days – Vin Diesel and some blonde lady with big tits save Los Angeles from zombie vampires.
- The Thickening – Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights and that tallish guy from the Walking Dead get trapped in a house with the ghost of a Chinese murderer/voodoo doctor. Only slightly more racist than it sounds, plus kids love weird, bloody horror movies. Big thanks to Ted Crawley for adding the most gratuitous topless scene in a Snodgrass film to date.
- Warriors of the Lost War – Mark Wahlberg wears a bandana and fights middle eastern-looking people in rural Arizona. They have kidnapped his daughter, maybe?
- Irrational Hearts – A romantic comedy of some kind. Has a lady and a dude and they might not get together but then, hey what do you know? they get together. Mark Wahlberg appears as the best friend.
- Crocodile Beach – Based on the tearjerker drama from director Sergej Stamen about the trials of living in Bulgaria under Milosevic. We added a bunch of girls in bikinis getting eating by 3-D crocodiles. And took out all the weird Bulgarian stuff. Best of both worlds!
- War of the Warriors II: War – Mark Wahlberg teams with Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson to fight a war. Some stuff explodes. Hot ladies. Sinister foreigners. Jesus, what more do people want!?
So far, we’ve netted over $38 million from the above. Here’s to many more champagne and cocaine breakfasts on Ted’s yacht in 2014!
Yours in cash,
Publicity, Snodgrass Studios