Tag Archives: Baseball

A public message from MLB Commissioner Bud Selig

Just this year, baseball means human growth hormone!

For one year only, baseball means human growth hormone!

Baseball fans, investors, and the general public,

I’m Commissioner of Major League Baseball Allan H. “Bud” Selig. There’s no easy way to put this, so I’ll just go right ahead and say it. Within the past 48 hours since Opening Day, every single Major League Baseball player has tested positive for steroids or other banned substances.

Obviously, we’re not going to let this stand. On the other hand, we can’t suspend everyone. That would be tantamount to canceling baseball, and only God has that right.

So after much discussion with my colleagues and the players’ representatives, we’ve decided to “un-ban” steroid use this season. Players will be allowed to publicly discuss what cocktail of drugs they are abusing, and we’ll find out which is the most potent. Together. Let’s see how this goes. It could be a lot of fun.

Yours,

Bud “Red Juice” Selig

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Bud Selig to MLB Player’s Association, March 2013

Seriously, this is how grumpy I'll look if any of you slip up

Seriously, this is how grumpy I’ll look if any of you slip up

Dear Players,

As we get ready to kick off another great season of Major League Baseball, I thought I would take this time to remind everyone not to use steroids this year. Obviously, in an ideal world, we’d all be using steroids. Who doesn’t want to see beefy pitchers throwing 100 MPH fastballs to bulked-up batters hitting 60 home runs a season? Man, those were the days. But I digress, steroids are “wrong” and you are “role models” to “children” who might be influenced to “do” steroids. So just try to keep it under wraps. I mean, “don’t do it.”

Some nosy journalists have decided to be white knights about this whole steroids thing, so we just need to keep them happy until they die (which will be soon for most of them). So let’s all agree to pretend that we care about this enough to¬† do something about it. After all, this is “the worst problem with baseball today.” It’s worse than Yuniesky Betancourt apparently! (Sorry, Yuni. Maybe try some steroids next time).

So, let me be clear. This season, let’s keep the steroid use to a minimum. That way, our game will be perfect. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go figure out a new way for our owners to fleece taxpayers on some stadium deals while simultaneously doing nothing about the apparent drunk-driving epidemic you idiots can’t keep under wraps.

Yours in gobs of cash,

Bud

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Director of Human Resources to Ted Lawrence, March 2006

Intensive Quickbooks Pro training

Dear Ted,

We have received your full report explaining your absence from work between February 28th and March 17th. I’m not really sure why you thought the company had a “Spring Training” program in Miami, or why you flew down there and stayed even after you must have noticed you were the only one there. It does explain the many receipts we’ve received, and the constant calls from American Express asking if we were buying suntan lotion and neon swim trunks on corporate card F.

Obviously, this is a tough time of year for accountants, and we do agree we want our team in top condition for the upcoming filing rush. Still, I’m not convinced this “Spring Training” program you embarked on would actually help. When you say you had “2 hours of fielding drills per day,” what does that mean? You were practicing fielding questions from clients? You were studying up on different tax incentives for workers in different fields? I would think any sort of study like that could be done on-site.

Finally, I find it hard to believe that you “sustained a blister” on your “primary calculating finger,” which will keep you out of action for “2-3 weeks.” It’s great that you think you’ll be ready for “opening day,” whatever that is, but we’ll need to see a doctor’s note. We do not have a “disability list” to put you on, and I wouldn’t even know what it means to “call someone up from the farm team” to fill in for you.

Please respond this time,

Kenneth Vogelberg

HR Director, Seven Seas Accounting

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