Dear Policyholder #401333,
Unfortunately, due to new restrictions put in place by the Affordable Care Act (AKA Obamacare, AKA Hitlercare), we are hereby informing you that your current policy is being discontinued. Due to the unfair and anti-business regulations put in place, we here at Smithington Healthcare can no longer afford to cover you, so you will need to buy new insurance.
Your plan, the “Human Garbage Medallion Level” coverage, has been deemed insufficient, owing to the arcane and unfair requirement that healthcare plans cover some form of healthcare. Whereas before, you were charged $50 per month for coverage including:
- Traumatic injury (Not including head, torso, limbs, or internal injuries)
- Disease treatment (Not including cancer, heart disease, or viral/bacterial maladies)
- A $25,000 deductible ($50,000 for X-Rays)
Now, thanks to Obamacare, this plan is no longer considered “healthcare.” Unfortunately for you, you are now uncoverable, and will probably die within the next few sentences of this letter. If only there were some sort of healthcare marketplace, or “exchange,” where one could shop for reasonable coverage! Alas, such a place is a tragic fantasy.
OK, sure, you could go to healthcare.gov. But can you imagine using a website that has experienced some problems? Next to those loadtimes, dying alone of a treatable disease is a picnic! If you have any questions, please visit smithington.com/policies/garbagelevel/poors/a44%22%EthGGf112XP84412p/O00o0oOoo0/questions.htm, and log in with your username and 16-digit PIN, both chosen for you by your HR administrator 5 years ago. If you do not remember these, please call us at 1-800-HAHANICETRY to hear encouraging hold music before being told to go to the website again.
We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the takers, browns, and womens who elected Obamacare.
VP of Waste Management