To: Cruzlets (list)
Re: Ain’t I the Greatest??????
Friends of Liberty-
Thank you all for your generous and vocal support during my marathon filibuster of Obamacare! I really, truly, honestly could not have wasted everyone’s time on this grandstanding if it wasn’t for the kind words and kinder dollars provided by you. But the real work is just beginning.
Even though my brilliant, courageous oratory has clearly turned the intellectual tide against what is literally the worst government overreach since the 14th amendment, our enemies will not be so easy to sway. They will continue to tempt us into eating Obamacare, be it on planes, in trains, in hats or with cats. But, like the brave hero of that epic tome, we must continue to refuse. And just as he never tasted Green Eggs and Ham, and certainly didn’t enjoy it once he did, we must hold the line against Commandant Obama’s temptations.
Because we are the Rebel Alliance, fighting against the Evil Empire. I’m obviously Luke Skywalker, and you are the cheering, faceless masses cheering my heroic actions. Obama is obviously Darth Vader, but not because of the black thing. And while some in the liberal media may have been offended by my playing fast and loose with World War II-era references, or that somehow in my 21 hours of brilliance I may not have actually mentioned how Republicans would solve the health care crisis. Well, I would ask these traitors why they haven’t been offended by Obama insuring 50 million poors, when everyone knows Hitler lured the Jews to the concentration camps with promises of free health care.
And so, I am asking in this time that you once again generously open your hearts and your wallets (especially your wallets), that I may continue to show that I am better than everyone, but especially Obamacare. We’ll need a lot more, since I may need to invent a time machine to go back and stop Obamacare before it begins.
Senator Ted Cruz, Genius