Tag Archives: Letters to the Editor

Letter to the New York Times Regarding the New Citibike Program, June 2nd, 2013

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The first peddle towards fascism

To whom it may concern:

I am writing to register my extreme disappointment with the city of New York, once the capital of the world and  birthplace of pizza, for deciding to follow Hitler, Stalin, Ghengis Khan, Caligula, and literally every other terrible totalitarianist in history. No, I’m not talking about the soda ban. Rather, I’m talking about the so-called “bike-sharing” endeavour, AKA “Citibike,” AKA “Cycling towards Maoism.”

Frankly, I’m even ashamed at the amount of non-shared bike-riding fascism in this city. Do you know what culture is most associated with this two-wheeled vehicle for statism? How about our ancient enemy the Chinese? The streets of Shanghai are so choked with bicycles today that children being run over on the sidewalk is a commonplace nuisance. Have we forgotten Mao’s infamous “Bicycle in Every Driveway” plan? Is this the society we strive for?

And I’ll not have to remind older readers of one famous bike-rider. That’s right, who else but old friend Skip Hitler was an advocate of bike-using. Noted historian Glenn Beck notes that Hitler did not believe the war was truly lost until Allied bombs rendered unusable the famous Munich bike path. So, Mayor Bloomberginki, can’t decide between Mao and Hitler?

Instead of the frankly communist (or worse, Dutch) concept of bike-sharing, perhaps we should take a page from the greatest country in the world, Texas, where anyone caught riding a bike over the age of 14 can be arrested, charged with treason, and deported. Otherwise, it’s a short step from healthy, non-polluting means of transportation in an already car-congested city to rounding up patriotic truck drivers and forcing them to recycle their beer cans. Heaven forfend.

Yours majestically,

Cynthia Peterson-Stank

Patient, Happy Tree Psychiatric Home

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A former Hebrew slave to the Editor of the Sinai Times

Those were the days.

Those were the days.

To the Editor:

I’m a former slave who spent a decade climbing my way to the top of the slave ladder. Perhaps it’s unorthodox, but I miss my life in Egypt. I know I’m just supposed to relax and enjoy myself now that we’re free, but to tell you the truth, I miss having a job, even if it was unpaid.

I appreciated having somewhere to be every day besides more sand. And I liked having my little corner of the pyramid to work on. Yes, I even liked having a taskmaster. It’s so easy to procrastinate when you’re not being whipped. I feel like I’ve hardly gotten anything done in the last 35 years or so.

Building that golden idol gave me something to put my energies into for a little while, but this Moses character seems insistent that we stop being industrious, take a break, put our feet up. I need a vacation from this vacation!

Sincerely,

Joe Son of David

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Letter to the Editor of the New York Times, June 1974

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The first Prime Minister of India, wrapped around some guy

Dear Sirs[i]:

As a widower, veteran, and amateur stamp collector[ii], I feel I have some insight into the world of international politics. I must take issue with your article last week on the end of Nehru (“A Jacket’s Final Throes”, Style Section, D3, June 1st). The move from colonial rule to self-government is a long and tricky process, and one that Mr. Nehru helped handle quite admirably in India. No recent developments on the subcontinent suggest India is moving away from the course he set. I am also not quite sure it is “the end of an era,” since the fellow died ten years ago.

I’m no bleeding-heart hippie type[iii], but describing the former minister as “comfortable, but rebellious, a symbol of the ‘mod’ culture first popularized by the Beatles” smacks of disrespect, as he was fighting for independence when the Beatles were still crawling around in the gutter in whatever godforsaken English town they spawned from[iv]. Also, bluntly saying he had “six to seven buttons, some of which were deliberately left open” is unfair. Let’s leave the man’s private life[v] alone and concentrate on his civic accomplishments.[vi]

Sincerely,

Biff Kleghorn

Oneida, NY


[i] At the time, the post of “Editor-in-Chief” was held by two very in-sync twins.

[ii] Kleghorn is being modest here. In fact, he was paid to collect stamps professional by the Rockefeller Foundation.

[iii] The author kept his hair clipped short and ignored the latest fashions.

[iv] Liverpool.

[v] A related article focused entirely on Nehru’s underwear.

[vi] Dal Makhani for all.

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