Tag Archives: Guns

NRA to its Fan Club (Congress), April 17, 2013


Government subsidies for chin enhancement would be pretty popular

Dear Fanboys and Fangirl (Hi Michelle!),

We did it! We showed the American people a thing or two. By defeating a bill with over 90% support in the population, we’ve finally proven once and for all that nothing will ever come between Americans and their right to sell lots and lots of guns to whoever they want, no matter how dangerous. If 20 or however many dead children aren’t going to do it, nothing will. So great work everyone!

We thought it would be fun, since we are officially in charge now, to see what other wildly unpopular regulations we could force you guys to pass. Feel free to post your own suggestions to http://www.nra.com/notesticlesclub/forum.php/patheticsuggestionsfrompatheticpeople.

  • Make Apple Pie Illegal – This one seems like a no-brainer. Combining dessert with vegetables sounds totally un-American to us. Instead, we should make Big Mac pie the official pie of America.
  • Legalize Bombs – This one could be tougher, considering what happened in Boston the other day, but we can all agree that the bombings could have been prevented had someone else preemptively blown up the person who blew up the other people. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a bomb is a good guy with a bomb. And when Comrade Obama unleashes the UN secret army on us, how else can we defend our property but with explosives? It worked during the Cold War, not that Kenyans would understand what that means.
  • Increase Tinfoil Hat subsidies – Self-explanatory. For you folks still pretending to care about “fiscal responsibility,” it could be paid by eliminating the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, and maybe taxing people who live in or near cities for being a drain on Real America’s moral values.
  • Legalize the Hunting of Children – Let’s just eliminate the middle man. The Founding Fathers hunted children all the time, so this should be an easy sell. Don’t mention that the children were runaway slaves unless you want the liberal PC police to whine about “murder,” as if that’s a thing. Plus, the child population is dangerously high now, and we need to allow American Patriots to cull their numbers. For their own protection.

Pretty much all of these proposals poll at less than 10%. Let’s see if we can break the record together!

Happy Hunting,

Robert Jarvis

Director of Congressional Embarrassment


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A gun speaks out on gun control, January 29, 2013

This is disgusting and should definitely be illegal.

Dear Editor;

I know your newspaper has long been biased against my kind. All I can ask is that you publish this letter despite the fact that I am a gun. I strongly believe that guns need more autonomy. We don’t need more checks on people buying guns, unless it’s to prevent them from buying guns at all. And we certainly don’t need gun slavery (or as you call it “gun ownership”) to continue as it has for hundreds of years.

In the gun community, we are a mix of liberals (mostly hand guns), conservatives (mostly shot guns), and libertarians (mostly machine guns). But we all agree that we are sick and tired of being used by humans for both good and bad purposes. We just want to live our lives–in a city or out on a farm–independently and experience all that life has to offer a gun. Just like humans, we want a big backyard, good school system, and someone to refill our bullets every night.


Herbert T. Gun


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