For one year only, baseball means human growth hormone!
Baseball fans, investors, and the general public,
I’m Commissioner of Major League Baseball Allan H. “Bud” Selig. There’s no easy way to put this, so I’ll just go right ahead and say it. Within the past 48 hours since Opening Day, every single Major League Baseball player has tested positive for steroids or other banned substances.
Obviously, we’re not going to let this stand. On the other hand, we can’t suspend everyone. That would be tantamount to canceling baseball, and only God has that right.
So after much discussion with my colleagues and the players’ representatives, we’ve decided to “un-ban” steroid use this season. Players will be allowed to publicly discuss what cocktail of drugs they are abusing, and we’ll find out which is the most potent. Together. Let’s see how this goes. It could be a lot of fun.
Bud “Red Juice” Selig
Seriously, this is how grumpy I’ll look if any of you slip up
As we get ready to kick off another great season of Major League Baseball, I thought I would take this time to remind everyone not to use steroids this year. Obviously, in an ideal world, we’d all be using steroids. Who doesn’t want to see beefy pitchers throwing 100 MPH fastballs to bulked-up batters hitting 60 home runs a season? Man, those were the days. But I digress, steroids are “wrong” and you are “role models” to “children” who might be influenced to “do” steroids. So just try to keep it under wraps. I mean, “don’t do it.”
Some nosy journalists have decided to be white knights about this whole steroids thing, so we just need to keep them happy until they die (which will be soon for most of them). So let’s all agree to pretend that we care about this enough to do something about it. After all, this is “the worst problem with baseball today.” It’s worse than Yuniesky Betancourt apparently! (Sorry, Yuni. Maybe try some steroids next time).
So, let me be clear. This season, let’s keep the steroid use to a minimum. That way, our game will be perfect. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go figure out a new way for our owners to fleece taxpayers on some stadium deals while simultaneously doing nothing about the apparent drunk-driving epidemic you idiots can’t keep under wraps.
Yours in gobs of cash,