Ted Cruz Fundraising Email to Supporters, September 25, 2013

"Join me in saying to this president, 'I will not eat them, Sam I Am!'"

“Join me in saying to this president, ‘I will not eat them, Sam I Am!'”

To: Cruzlets (list)

From: thacruzship1789@aim.com

Re: Ain’t I the Greatest??????

Friends of Liberty-

Thank you all for your generous and vocal support during my marathon filibuster of Obamacare! I really, truly, honestly could not have wasted everyone’s time on this grandstanding if it wasn’t for the kind words and kinder dollars provided by you. But the real work is just beginning.

Even though my brilliant, courageous oratory has clearly turned the intellectual tide against what is literally the worst government overreach since the 14th amendment, our enemies will not be so easy to sway. They will continue to tempt us into eating Obamacare, be it on planes, in trains, in hats or with cats. But, like the brave hero of that epic tome, we must continue to refuse. And just as he never tasted Green Eggs and Ham, and certainly didn’t enjoy it once he did, we must hold the line against Commandant Obama’s temptations.

Because we are the Rebel Alliance, fighting against the Evil Empire. I’m obviously Luke Skywalker, and you are the cheering, faceless masses cheering my heroic actions. Obama is obviously Darth Vader, but not because of the black thing. And while some in the liberal media may have been offended by my playing fast and loose with World War II-era references, or that somehow in my 21 hours of brilliance I may not have actually mentioned how Republicans would solve the health care crisis. Well, I would ask these traitors why they haven’t been offended by Obama insuring 50 million poors, when everyone knows Hitler lured the Jews to the concentration camps with promises of free health care.

And so, I am asking in this time that you once again generously open your hearts and your wallets (especially your wallets), that I may continue to show that I am better than everyone, but especially Obamacare. We’ll need a lot more, since I may need to invent a time machine to go back and stop Obamacare before it begins.

Onward!

Senator Ted Cruz, Genius

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Setting up a Duel in the Old West, October 1871

We're also looking forward to meeting your lovely prostitute!

We’re also looking forward to meeting your lovely prostitute!

“Two-shot” Tony Tarasco

The Outlaw Camp 2 Miles South of

Hayes, Colorado Territory 12

 

Dear Two-shot:

Congratualtions! “Deadeye Dan” Duncan, the rootinest, tootinest outlaw this side of the Missouri ™, has accepted your challenge. In light of the innumerable men you’ve killed, the herds of cattle you and your men have stolen, and your very impressive stint has a pirate on the Mississippi during the war, “Deadeye Dan” will consider it a great honor to gun you down in the street.

The date of your duel is set for November 5, 1871. All duels start promptly at high noon, so please plan to arrive 30-45 minutes in advance to complete all the paperwork. Your duel will take place on Main Street, Deever Springs, Colorado Territory, outside of Old Man McCallen’s saloon. All duel participants receive 25% off all whiskies, so be sure to stop in and say hi!

Please have your seconds RSVP by Pony Express no later than October 31st. “Deadeye Dan” is greatly looking forward to murdering you in broad daylight!

Sincerely,

Syd Feinburg

Publicist, “Deadeye Dan” Inc.

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The inventor of the lock explains his invention to a friend, 717 BCE

Do not take your turnips for granted, my friend.

Do not take your turnips for granted, my friend.

In This The Fifth Year Of The Mighty Sargon II’s Rule:

Hey Carl,

I’m sorry to hear the turnip peeler wasn’t a bigger hit with your wife (though I do hope she appreciated what a difference those serrated edges make, right?), but I’m enclosing one of my latest inventions, which I call a “Lock,” and I think you’re going to like it even better!

It lets you keep your most special belongings, like your turnips and ungrateful wife, protected from someone who might want to steal them, like a thief. Gangs coming up from Nineveh are becoming a bigger problem every year, and if you don’t want to see all your clay vases go straight out the window, you’re definitely going to want a Lock of your own.

First, you put all the things you want to protect—turnips, ungrateful wife, vases, grain stores, capable sons, incapable sons who are nonetheless beloved, chickens—into a room with a door. Then put the Lock onto the door (see diagram) and close it. No one can get in! Haven’t figured out how to open the Lock yet, but I’m sure I will soon!

Let me know what you think,

Hal

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An Early Draft of The Prince, 1531

It is also important for a prince to have a good pair of gloves

It is also important for a prince to have a good pair of gloves

To Lorenzo:

To His Most Excellent Majesty:

Dear Larry:

To His Most Excellent and Glorious Majesty, Lorenzo:

Congratulations on becoming ruler of my wonderful city, Firenze. Since you have accomplished this task not due to the acclaim of the people, or the acclaim of anyone really, you probably do not need my advice. Still, since I’ve spent the better part of the last decade hearing about how terrible you and your family are at these sorts of things, I figured I better send you something just in case. Obviously, I have never once doubted your abilities as a ruler, but any ruler would do well to heed my advice, seeing as I’ve pretty much solved the whole “government” thing.

  1. It is better for a Prince to be feared than loved. This should be pretty obvious, since really, who has ever heard of a ruler being loved? Still, it’s better to be loved than hated. Worse still than being hated is for your subjects to be polite to your face, then say mean things about you when you leave the room. This is the fate that befell Granulus, Archon of Athens for three weeks in May of 371 B.C.
  2. Ruling a nation is a delicate balancing act between keeping the people happy and keeping the elite happy. The people are basically stupid, but once in awhile they’ll get angry about something trivial like starvation or poverty or continually being looted by their rulers. The elite are smart enough to get into all the best parties, where they will probably try to stab you. The key is to invite the people to all the best parties, then hope the elite won’t be able to find you in such a crowd. Caesar Augustus was able to avoid the entirety of the Senate for almost 14 years in this manner.
  3. It is better for a Prince to appear pious than to actually be pious. Because, come on, have you read those rules?
  4. A Prince must be both cunning like the fox and strong like the lion. Also, in the best case, he should most resemble the walrus in appearance and grace.
  5. The most important thing a Prince can do is command a good army. The second most important is to wear clean socks whenever possible. Cyrus the Great of Persia, though his army was known to the Greeks as basically a bunch of girls, was still able to become a great conqueror because his subjects were always in awe of his graceful foot scent.
  6. People will generally be OK with you as long as you don’t steal their money or their women. And also if you don’t kill them without a good reason. And if you don’t let anyone else kill them for any reason. So, basically, people are terrible, whiny children who will constantly annoy you with petty complaints of this nature. The best thing to do when they come to you with grievances is to appear to be listening, nod occasionally while saying “oh, how terrible!” and remind them how lucky they are that you haven’t stabbed anyone in the eye yet. Marcus Aurelius was able to command all of Rome, despite being hated by the army, by simply not stabbing anyone in the eye.

Follow these rules, and I’m sure you’ll be fine. Because if there’s one thing we Italians are known for, it’s governmental stability and lack of political intrigue.

Best wishes,

 

Nick Machiavelli

Political Genius

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A request from the Harvard Alumni Fund to W.E.B. Du Bois, September 9, 1899

The Sociology Department needs new chalk boards!

The Sociology Department needs new chalk-boards!

Dear Dr. DuBois,

As the fifth anniversary of your graduation from Harvard University approaches, we here at the Alumni Fund hope you will consider paying it forward to the next generation of Harvard scholars. It goes without saying that your tenure as a Harvard student was groundbreaking, as you were the first African-American student to earn a doctoral degree from this fine institution. We hope you’re not the last. But we need your help.

You did not get to this point alone. Indeed, it was alumni just like you who donated the funds necessary to provide you with scholarships that made up a portion of your tuition. Of course, they were not like you in that they were white, and from privileged backgrounds. But they were exactly like you in their love of Harvard.

Even a small pledge from each of our alumni would add up to make a big difference, Dr. DuBois. You’ve made a difference in the world of civil rights—now won’t you make a difference in the world of a needy student? Alma Mater needs you.

Sincerely,

John Burney

Alumni Committee Chair, Class of 1895

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Richard Kensington Defends His Love of Gossip Girl, September 2012

Ambassadors of Culture

Ambassadors of Culture

Dear Todd,

Far be it for me to impugn your normally impeccable taste in culture. You were, after all, the man who finally convinced me of the merits of David O. Russell’s work. But I have to say you’ve missed the mark with your off-the-cuff dismissal of what I believe to be the most important show currently on television: Gossip Girl. Far from being “a tasteless pseudo-intellectual exercise in soapery so brazen it could make Susan Lucci blush,” the show is actually a brilliantly deep political and social satire on par with anything in media today, Jon Stewart and Armando Iannucci included.

Take, for example, the season 3 story line where Scott, Lily and Rufus’ child previously believed to be dead, returns owing to the machinations of Georgina (who here plays an expy of German Chancellor Angela Merkel). His arrival, during a tiff between the couple, mirrors almost exactly the situation between Israel, Iran, and Iraq during the dust-up in Egypt. The role of Serena, clearly meant to stand in for the Egyptian military, is a subtle but clear jab at the American stance.

Speaking of America, the relationship between Chuck and Blair is most definitely not “the same sort of will-they-won’t they flippancy that has blighted this nation’s television screens since the interminable Sam and Diane.” In fact, Gossip Girl has created in them a near picture-perfect satire of the sometimes frosty relationship between the United States and Putin’s Russia. Their affinity for roleplaying in a sexual context perfectly skewers the machinations of these two great powers.

Finally, the show’s omnipresent narrator is in no way “just a ridiculous bookend for those with short attention spans.” In fact, Gossip Girl represents our sometimes troublesome relationship with new media and the death of the newspaper. That you missed such an obvious reference is troubling. How is your therapy going?

Best,

Richard Kensington

Princeton ’05

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Letter to the Editor Regarding News Coverage, June 1914

Lillian_Gish-edit1

Throughout history, the media has tragically undercovered the travails of young, rich, white ladies

Dear Sirs:

I was most upset when I received my copy of your newsrag yesterday. The front page was covered with all manner of so-called “news items” from all corners of this ghastly world, and yet not a single inch of column space was devoted to the news of real importance. I refer, of course, to the “performance” of Miss Lillian Gish, lady-actor, during the Broadway Ceremony of Honorary Awards Banquet, held Tuesday last. Her “song,” if one can call such warbling a song, was a terrifying mish-mash of obscenities and irrelevancies, making it the topic of conversation from 42nd street to parts unknown, yet your editorial board insisted that some situation in the “Balkans” is more important.

Let me tell you, Americans such as myself know what is important, and all this talk of powder kegs and labor unrest and the trust-busting of Mr. W.H. Taft, why it all reeks of communism. Why not cover the news that good, hard-working, church-going Americans wish to hear? Namely, that a young, attractive woman caused a minor stir at an event affecting a tiny segment of the population? Frankly, I find it hard to believe that reports of some Archduke visiting some country with an unpronounceable name could have any more relevance to the average American than reports that Miss Gish did twirl her posterior in such a way as to cause older ladies a severe case of the vapors. In future, please constrain your “reporting” to those reports which we may be inclined to read.

Yours respectfully,

Mrs. A.N. Stoute

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