To whom it may concern:
I am writing to register my extreme disappointment with the city of New York, once the capital of the world and birthplace of pizza, for deciding to follow Hitler, Stalin, Ghengis Khan, Caligula, and literally every other terrible totalitarianist in history. No, I’m not talking about the soda ban. Rather, I’m talking about the so-called “bike-sharing” endeavour, AKA “Citibike,” AKA “Cycling towards Maoism.”
Frankly, I’m even ashamed at the amount of non-shared bike-riding fascism in this city. Do you know what culture is most associated with this two-wheeled vehicle for statism? How about our ancient enemy the Chinese? The streets of Shanghai are so choked with bicycles today that children being run over on the sidewalk is a commonplace nuisance. Have we forgotten Mao’s infamous “Bicycle in Every Driveway” plan? Is this the society we strive for?
And I’ll not have to remind older readers of one famous bike-rider. That’s right, who else but old friend Skip Hitler was an advocate of bike-using. Noted historian Glenn Beck notes that Hitler did not believe the war was truly lost until Allied bombs rendered unusable the famous Munich bike path. So, Mayor Bloomberginki, can’t decide between Mao and Hitler?
Instead of the frankly communist (or worse, Dutch) concept of bike-sharing, perhaps we should take a page from the greatest country in the world, Texas, where anyone caught riding a bike over the age of 14 can be arrested, charged with treason, and deported. Otherwise, it’s a short step from healthy, non-polluting means of transportation in an already car-congested city to rounding up patriotic truck drivers and forcing them to recycle their beer cans. Heaven forfend.
Patient, Happy Tree Psychiatric Home