Tag Archives: Babies

A baby to Playtex Customer Service, March 4, 1996

Trust me, that baby is like "ugh, this again."

Trust me, that baby is like “ugh, this again.”

Dear Mr. McGillicuddy,

I am a three-month old baby of discerning tastes. I am writing in regards to the nipples on the bottles your company has been selling. As a baby, I can say with absolute certainty that they in no way resemble “mother’s breast,” as promised by Playtex. At least not my mother’s breasts. And I’ve been checking out my friend’s mothers’ breasts too.

Here’s the problem. 1) Texture. Have you worn a pair of latex gloves lately? It feels weird. That’s because latex isn’t like skin. It’s stickier, and kind of squishy under the gums. Think outside the box in terms of materials. 2) Shape. Go ahead and get out one of your bottles. I’ll wait. Now grab a breast. Do those look the same to you? I didn’t think so. And they don’t feel the same on the tongue either.

I hope you’ll take my recommendations under consideration. If you wish to compensate me for my trouble, send free milk to wherever I am. I have no idea. I was born in like December.

Best wishes,

Mason

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