Tag Archives: 21st Century

Movie Executive Memo, January 2014

The Meal Ticket

The Meal Ticket

Teammates!

Welcome to January! Or as we in the biz like to call it, the dumping month! No, Kevin, that doesn’t mean hitting the craft services table a little longer and spending a little more time in your trailer. It means it’s time to finally release the dregs of our past year on an unsuspecting public. Analysis says no month has a better cash-to-festering-turd ratio, so without further ado, here’s the Snodgrass Studios January lineup!

  • Days of War – Mark Wahlberg stars as a guy in the army (or marines or something, who cares?). He fights some bad guys, maybe his wife is dead or something. He shouts a lot. Note: the “Bay Ratio” of nonwhite to white bad guys is over 60:1, which I believe to be a record!
  • War of Days – Vin Diesel and some blonde lady with big tits save Los Angeles from zombie vampires.
  • The Thickening – Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights and that tallish guy from the Walking Dead get trapped in a house with the ghost of a Chinese murderer/voodoo doctor. Only slightly more racist than it sounds, plus kids love weird, bloody horror movies. Big thanks to Ted Crawley for adding the most gratuitous topless scene in a Snodgrass film to date.
  • Warriors of the Lost War – Mark Wahlberg wears a bandana and fights middle eastern-looking people in rural Arizona. They have kidnapped his daughter, maybe?
  • Irrational Hearts – A romantic comedy of some kind. Has a lady and a dude and they might not get together but then, hey what do you know? they get together. Mark Wahlberg appears as the best friend.
  • Crocodile Beach – Based on the tearjerker drama from director Sergej Stamen about the trials of living in Bulgaria under Milosevic. We added a bunch of girls in bikinis getting eating by 3-D crocodiles. And took out all the weird Bulgarian stuff. Best of both worlds!
  • War of the Warriors II: War – Mark Wahlberg teams with Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson to fight a war. Some stuff explodes. Hot ladies. Sinister foreigners. Jesus, what more do people want!?

So far, we’ve netted over $38 million from the above. Here’s to many more champagne and cocaine breakfasts on Ted’s yacht in 2014!

Yours in cash,

Greg Guttierez
Publicity, Snodgrass Studios

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Letter to the New York Times Regarding the New Citibike Program, June 2nd, 2013

https://i0.wp.com/danielpauldaniello.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/animalny_citibike2.jpg

The first peddle towards fascism

To whom it may concern:

I am writing to register my extreme disappointment with the city of New York, once the capital of the world and  birthplace of pizza, for deciding to follow Hitler, Stalin, Ghengis Khan, Caligula, and literally every other terrible totalitarianist in history. No, I’m not talking about the soda ban. Rather, I’m talking about the so-called “bike-sharing” endeavour, AKA “Citibike,” AKA “Cycling towards Maoism.”

Frankly, I’m even ashamed at the amount of non-shared bike-riding fascism in this city. Do you know what culture is most associated with this two-wheeled vehicle for statism? How about our ancient enemy the Chinese? The streets of Shanghai are so choked with bicycles today that children being run over on the sidewalk is a commonplace nuisance. Have we forgotten Mao’s infamous “Bicycle in Every Driveway” plan? Is this the society we strive for?

And I’ll not have to remind older readers of one famous bike-rider. That’s right, who else but old friend Skip Hitler was an advocate of bike-using. Noted historian Glenn Beck notes that Hitler did not believe the war was truly lost until Allied bombs rendered unusable the famous Munich bike path. So, Mayor Bloomberginki, can’t decide between Mao and Hitler?

Instead of the frankly communist (or worse, Dutch) concept of bike-sharing, perhaps we should take a page from the greatest country in the world, Texas, where anyone caught riding a bike over the age of 14 can be arrested, charged with treason, and deported. Otherwise, it’s a short step from healthy, non-polluting means of transportation in an already car-congested city to rounding up patriotic truck drivers and forcing them to recycle their beer cans. Heaven forfend.

Yours majestically,

Cynthia Peterson-Stank

Patient, Happy Tree Psychiatric Home

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NRA to its Fan Club (Congress), April 17, 2013

Image

Government subsidies for chin enhancement would be pretty popular

Dear Fanboys and Fangirl (Hi Michelle!),

We did it! We showed the American people a thing or two. By defeating a bill with over 90% support in the population, we’ve finally proven once and for all that nothing will ever come between Americans and their right to sell lots and lots of guns to whoever they want, no matter how dangerous. If 20 or however many dead children aren’t going to do it, nothing will. So great work everyone!

We thought it would be fun, since we are officially in charge now, to see what other wildly unpopular regulations we could force you guys to pass. Feel free to post your own suggestions to http://www.nra.com/notesticlesclub/forum.php/patheticsuggestionsfrompatheticpeople.

  • Make Apple Pie Illegal – This one seems like a no-brainer. Combining dessert with vegetables sounds totally un-American to us. Instead, we should make Big Mac pie the official pie of America.
  • Legalize Bombs – This one could be tougher, considering what happened in Boston the other day, but we can all agree that the bombings could have been prevented had someone else preemptively blown up the person who blew up the other people. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a bomb is a good guy with a bomb. And when Comrade Obama unleashes the UN secret army on us, how else can we defend our property but with explosives? It worked during the Cold War, not that Kenyans would understand what that means.
  • Increase Tinfoil Hat subsidies – Self-explanatory. For you folks still pretending to care about “fiscal responsibility,” it could be paid by eliminating the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, and maybe taxing people who live in or near cities for being a drain on Real America’s moral values.
  • Legalize the Hunting of Children – Let’s just eliminate the middle man. The Founding Fathers hunted children all the time, so this should be an easy sell. Don’t mention that the children were runaway slaves unless you want the liberal PC police to whine about “murder,” as if that’s a thing. Plus, the child population is dangerously high now, and we need to allow American Patriots to cull their numbers. For their own protection.

Pretty much all of these proposals poll at less than 10%. Let’s see if we can break the record together!

Happy Hunting,

Robert Jarvis

Director of Congressional Embarrassment

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Thad McGovern to Spring, April 2, 2013

Who the hell needs flowers when you have bitingly cold wind in your face?

Who the hell needs flowers when you have bitingly cold wind in your face?

Dear Spring,

I debated a long time how to begin this letter to you. At first, I just started, “Dear Spring- Fuck you.” But really, if I started like that, how could I possibly tell you in detail all the reasons I hate you? For starters, maybe once in awhile you could actually show up. It’s April. Did you know that? Maybe you could deign to stop by and bring some of your temperatures above 40 degrees. Or maybe you’re too busy hanging out someplace awful like San Diego, where you know they don’t even need you, and sure as hell don’t appreciate you.

But no, I guess you’d rather dick around while all of us poor souls have to trudge through yet another day of cloudy, rainy bullshit. Maybe you think it’s hilarious that I am still wearing a hat with earflaps and mittens to just try to stay warm. Maybe you just think it’s great that my nose is always running and my face is windburned and red and I look like crap every single day. Maybe you just hate for people to spend a nice day at the park, with pretty flowers and colors besides gray and human beings you can actually see, instead of just puffy jackets and earmuffs. Or maybe you just want us all to be miserable all the time.

I guess we’ll just have another year where we go from cold and crappy to hot and disgusting with no pleasant weather in between. I hate you. I hope the people in whatever crappy place you decide to visit this year say lots of nasty things about your mother.

You are a scumbag,

Thad

Spring Responds to Thad:

Dear Thad,

Fuck you.

-Spring

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Bud Selig to MLB Player’s Association, March 2013

Seriously, this is how grumpy I'll look if any of you slip up

Seriously, this is how grumpy I’ll look if any of you slip up

Dear Players,

As we get ready to kick off another great season of Major League Baseball, I thought I would take this time to remind everyone not to use steroids this year. Obviously, in an ideal world, we’d all be using steroids. Who doesn’t want to see beefy pitchers throwing 100 MPH fastballs to bulked-up batters hitting 60 home runs a season? Man, those were the days. But I digress, steroids are “wrong” and you are “role models” to “children” who might be influenced to “do” steroids. So just try to keep it under wraps. I mean, “don’t do it.”

Some nosy journalists have decided to be white knights about this whole steroids thing, so we just need to keep them happy until they die (which will be soon for most of them). So let’s all agree to pretend that we care about this enough to  do something about it. After all, this is “the worst problem with baseball today.” It’s worse than Yuniesky Betancourt apparently! (Sorry, Yuni. Maybe try some steroids next time).

So, let me be clear. This season, let’s keep the steroid use to a minimum. That way, our game will be perfect. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go figure out a new way for our owners to fleece taxpayers on some stadium deals while simultaneously doing nothing about the apparent drunk-driving epidemic you idiots can’t keep under wraps.

Yours in gobs of cash,

Bud

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Marketing Director of Peeps to his underlings, March 19, 2013

I'm watching you. And when I'm not, they are.

I’m watching you. And when I’m not, they are.

Hi all,

It’s come to my attention that Easter only happens once a goddamn year. We can’t keep this company afloat if we’re selling Peeps one-sixth of the time, people. We need to find ways to sell the stupid things all year round. Everyone needs to start thinking about alternate uses for Peeps to include in our ads. Some jumping off points:

– What other holidays need chickens? Thanksgiving? Could these be baby turkeys just as easily?

– Shoving one in someone’s mouth is a fun, safe way to briefly shut them up

– Red and green Peeps as Christmas tree ornaments

– Peeps as stuffed animals for babies or children with small hands

– Peeps as stress balls that don’t frustratingly re-inflate on you

– Peep dollhouses where kids can act out Peep lives

– The Executive Peep: A gentlemen’s Peep for keeping at the office…no one needs to know

– Peep-flavored soda

– Peeps with photographs of baseball players’s faces printed on them–collect them all!

– Peeps: Kitty’s favorite new pillow

This is just a place to start. I was 15 ideas from each of you on my desk by Friday. Also, I’m upping your Peep consumption quota from 11 to 12 Peeps per day. We all need to do our part to use up all these disgusting Peeps.

-Martin

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A cover letter from an applicant for Pope, March 4, 2013

Special skills: I look terrific in the vestments.

Dear Sirs,

I saw your posting in the February issue of Cardinals Monthly, and I am writing to apply for the position of Bishop of Rome and Leader of the Catholic Church. I have always been interested in Catholicism, and I believe my previous experience as the Holy See has prepared me for the requirements of the job, which I left far too hastily.

From April 2005 to February 2013, I served as Pope under the name Pope Benedict XVI. Those were wonderful years, and I should have realized it at the time. I have since served as Pope Emeritus, a new position created just for me. I also worked part-time as a Vatican Starbucks barista from February 16 to present, where I was often praised by my superiors for my ability to foam soy milk. I see the Pope position as the perfect way to combine my desire to move away from the food and beverage industry with my interest in being Pope again.

Finally, I have a great sense of humor, which I know from experience comes in handy in the day-to-day life of the Pope. I also bring with me a built-in group of internet fans in the form of a Twitter following of 1.6 million. I hope you will strongly consider my application. I made a horrible, horrible mistake, and I look forward to a second term as Pope and sleeping in my own damn bed again.

Yours in Christ,

Benedict XVI, Pope Emeritus

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