Dear Ms. Gaga,
We hope this letter finds you well and that you have fully recovered from whatever it was that caused blood to gush from your pores the last time we saw your photo. We are writing to propose a business arrangement that we think will be mutually beneficial: we want you to do for the Baha’i faith what Madonna did for Kabbalah.
As a young religion, there are only 5 or 6 million Baha’i practitioners in the world–and let’s be honest, that number is a lot closer to 5 million than 6. Being Baha’i has never been a “sexy” religious choice. Our doctrines of equality and peacemaking don’t exactly inspire a lot of bra-burning.
But then again, neither did Chassidic Judaism until Madonna apportioned off an especially tasty bit of it and turned it into a global free-for-all. You might think we Baha’i are as straight-laced as black hats, but we have our share of commodifiable mystical products. Does “Seven Valleys” ring any bells? It’s a Baha’i holy work that’s chock-full of vaguely worded poetic flimflam about “seekers” and “unity.” Just the kind of stuff bored middle-classers go wild for. And that’s not all the Baha’i faith has to offer.
Did you know that being Baha’i is considered apostasy in many Muslim countries? People *love* apostasy.
But how can we spread our totally awesome, subversive message–and gain recruits–unless we have the right vehicle for delivering it? That vehicle is you, Ms. Gaga. Your shut-up-and-listen attitude and so-bizarre-they-must-be-brilliant fashions suggest to the global public that you have extraordinary insight. We need you to take that surely unjustified authority and make people want to be Baha’i like you.
In return, you will gain access to 150 years of insight, individual instruction in the teachings of Baha’u’llah, and unlimited access to our gardens in Haifa, Israel.
Please reply as soon as possible with your answer.
The members of the Universal House of Justice