The inventor of the lock explains his invention to a friend, 717 BCE

Do not take your turnips for granted, my friend.

Do not take your turnips for granted, my friend.

In This The Fifth Year Of The Mighty Sargon II’s Rule:

Hey Carl,

I’m sorry to hear the turnip peeler wasn’t a bigger hit with your wife (though I do hope she appreciated what a difference those serrated edges make, right?), but I’m enclosing one of my latest inventions, which I call a “Lock,” and I think you’re going to like it even better!

It lets you keep your most special belongings, like your turnips and ungrateful wife, protected from someone who might want to steal them, like a thief. Gangs coming up from Nineveh are becoming a bigger problem every year, and if you don’t want to see all your clay vases go straight out the window, you’re definitely going to want a Lock of your own.

First, you put all the things you want to protect—turnips, ungrateful wife, vases, grain stores, capable sons, incapable sons who are nonetheless beloved, chickens—into a room with a door. Then put the Lock onto the door (see diagram) and close it. No one can get in! Haven’t figured out how to open the Lock yet, but I’m sure I will soon!

Let me know what you think,



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