Sumerian Facial Hair Scientist to the King, 4500 BCE

The pinnacle of the artform

The pinnacle of the art form

Dear Royal Excellence Kartik,

After months and months of painstaking research, I am deeply proud to present to you the fruits of your investment. Working around the sundial, my team and I have successfully developed a new type of facial hair style. We call it the “Moustache,” and we believe it to be the most potent facial hair yet achieved.

What is this “moustache,” you ask? To give you an idea, we almost called it a nose-beard. By utilizing the latest in sharpened tool technology, we were able to remove, or “shave,” all of the facial hair from an adult man, leaving only that which grows in the region lying between the upper lip and the nose, or as we have termed it, the “moustache crescent.” We believe there is no limit to the potential of this amazing development. We have so far created three distinct shapes: thin and pointy, full and bushy, and wispy (please see attached slaves). Our team believes that, with appropriate funding, hundreds of variations can be achieved by next harvest.

The strategic benefit of the new facial hair should be obvious to a ruler of your great stature. By utilizing the moustache, you will surely soon command all of the nearby cities. We believe the as-yet-unnamed third season, falling between harvest and planting, should be termed “Moustache Season.” You can require all men to grow moustaches in preparation for upcoming battles. Honestly, we can’t imagine one of these looking bad on anyone. To continue our research, we need roughly 100 slaves and 4 oxen, plus the sharpest, pointiest tools available. Obviously, owing to the sensitive nature of the project, all results will be classified for your eyes only.



Chief Hair Researcher, Uruk University


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