Movie Executive Memo, January 2014

The Meal Ticket

Teammates!

Welcome to January! Or as we in the biz like to call it, the dumping month! No, Kevin, that doesn’t mean hitting the craft services table a little longer and spending a little more time in your trailer. It means it’s time to finally release the dregs of our past year on an unsuspecting public. Analysis says no month has a better cash-to-festering-turd ratio, so without further ado, here’s the Snodgrass Studios January lineup!

• Days of War – Mark Wahlberg stars as a guy in the army (or marines or something, who cares?). He fights some bad guys, maybe his wife is dead or something. He shouts a lot. Note: the “Bay Ratio” of nonwhite to white bad guys is over 60:1, which I believe to be a record!
• War of Days – Vin Diesel and some blonde lady with big tits save Los Angeles from zombie vampires.
• The Thickening – Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights and that tallish guy from the Walking Dead get trapped in a house with the ghost of a Chinese murderer/voodoo doctor. Only slightly more racist than it sounds, plus kids love weird, bloody horror movies. Big thanks to Ted Crawley for adding the most gratuitous topless scene in a Snodgrass film to date.
• Warriors of the Lost War – Mark Wahlberg wears a bandana and fights middle eastern-looking people in rural Arizona. They have kidnapped his daughter, maybe?
• Irrational Hearts – A romantic comedy of some kind. Has a lady and a dude and they might not get together but then, hey what do you know? they get together. Mark Wahlberg appears as the best friend.
• Crocodile Beach – Based on the tearjerker drama from director Sergej Stamen about the trials of living in Bulgaria under Milosevic. We added a bunch of girls in bikinis getting eating by 3-D crocodiles. And took out all the weird Bulgarian stuff. Best of both worlds!
• War of the Warriors II: War – Mark Wahlberg teams with Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson to fight a war. Some stuff explodes. Hot ladies. Sinister foreigners. Jesus, what more do people want!?

So far, we’ve netted over $38 million from the above. Here’s to many more champagne and cocaine breakfasts on Ted’s yacht in 2014!

Yours in cash,

Greg Guttierez
Publicity, Snodgrass Studios

Professor to his class re: final exams, December 12th, 2004

Question 4: Explain why all of these people were wrong about everything

Dear Students:

Below please find your exam questions. You need only answer 2 of the 3. Each answer must be long enough to answer the question asked, but not too long as to obscure your argument (1200 words).

1. What do we know? How do we know? How do we know we know? When we know, what do we really know?
2. What is? Cite at least three specific examples.
3. David Fergus offers a specific critique of Kant’s Philosophy of the Right. Explain what the critique is and why it is the most important contribution to philosophical thought since Aristotle.

For extra credit: Explain why philosophy is more important than football in a university context. Cite specific budgetary considerations.

Good luck,

Professor David Fergus

Political Newsletter, 1863

Maybe it is right on policy, but how will it play in the swing states?

Dearest Readers,

Good morning, and thank you for reading the JEREMIAH MICHAEL NEWSLETTER CONCERNING THE STATE OF THE POLITICAL LANDSCAPE, your top source for all the latest news with respect to our nation’s politics. This edition brought to you most generously by:

DR. SAMUEL HARRISON’S MOST RELIEVING CURE-ALL: Fixes what ails ya’. Be sure to ask your local chemist about our new HI-MORPHINE tablets, also available in children’s doses.

While most of our readers know that the so-called emancipation of the slaves may have been inevitable over the long term, pundits are divided on whether or not President Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation will have negative consequences for the upcoming races. Close aides to the president are already worried that Lincolncare, as it’s been dubbed by the opposition press, will lead to Republican losses next November.

While many supporters of emancipation hailed the move as a welcome step towards a better nation, frustrations have mounted over the slow pace of the rollout, with vulnerable border state Republicans now openly worrying about the optics. One unnamed source said, “Mr. Lincoln is quite right that the war must be fought to liberate millions of souls from a state of abject misery, but why now? The campaign is right around the corner.”

Democrats are already looking to pounce on the issue in the upcoming campaign. Strategist Finnian O’Flaherty told us: “This is just another government overreach. Why won’t the President lead by working with Democrats to destroy his signature accomplishment?” Certainly, Republican campaign strategists are already looking at headaches not even curable with a Harrison Cure-all, the most effective cure on the market. Even supporters are frustrated with the delays many users are facing when trying to access their emancipation. Some Republicans have urged patience, noting that many states, especially in the South, have been effectively attempting to sabotage the rollout by not setting up their own emancipation exchanges. Democrats counter that if the president wanted to free the slaves so badly, he should work with the opposition and delay the rollout.

Most importantly, pundits are as yet unclear how the public will react. We’ll surely know by next November whether the move to end what some have called a stain on the United States and a moral atrocity was worth trying in this term.

Best wishes to you and yours,

Jer. Michael and Staff

And remember, DR. SAMUEL HARRISON’S MOST RELIEVING CURE-ALL: from Dropsy to Malaria, nothing gets by our patented formula. Now with arsenic.

Sumerian Facial Hair Scientist to the King, 4500 BCE

The pinnacle of the art form

Dear Royal Excellence Kartik,

After months and months of painstaking research, I am deeply proud to present to you the fruits of your investment. Working around the sundial, my team and I have successfully developed a new type of facial hair style. We call it the “Moustache,” and we believe it to be the most potent facial hair yet achieved.

What is this “moustache,” you ask? To give you an idea, we almost called it a nose-beard. By utilizing the latest in sharpened tool technology, we were able to remove, or “shave,” all of the facial hair from an adult man, leaving only that which grows in the region lying between the upper lip and the nose, or as we have termed it, the “moustache crescent.” We believe there is no limit to the potential of this amazing development. We have so far created three distinct shapes: thin and pointy, full and bushy, and wispy (please see attached slaves). Our team believes that, with appropriate funding, hundreds of variations can be achieved by next harvest.

The strategic benefit of the new facial hair should be obvious to a ruler of your great stature. By utilizing the moustache, you will surely soon command all of the nearby cities. We believe the as-yet-unnamed third season, falling between harvest and planting, should be termed “Moustache Season.” You can require all men to grow moustaches in preparation for upcoming battles. Honestly, we can’t imagine one of these looking bad on anyone. To continue our research, we need roughly 100 slaves and 4 oxen, plus the sharpest, pointiest tools available. Obviously, owing to the sensitive nature of the project, all results will be classified for your eyes only.

Best,

Hanarch

Chief Hair Researcher, Uruk University

Letter from Insurance Agency regarding Obamacare, November 2013

We’re only doing this because we care about you, Policytaker #401333

Dear Policyholder #401333,

Unfortunately, due to new restrictions put in place by the Affordable Care Act (AKA Obamacare, AKA Hitlercare), we are hereby informing you that your current policy is being discontinued. Due to the unfair and anti-business regulations put in place, we here at Smithington Healthcare can no longer afford to cover you, so you will need to buy new insurance.

Your plan, the “Human Garbage Medallion Level” coverage, has been deemed insufficient, owing to the arcane and unfair requirement that healthcare plans cover some form of healthcare. Whereas before, you were charged $50 per month for coverage including:

• Traumatic injury (Not including head, torso, limbs, or internal injuries)
• Disease treatment (Not including cancer, heart disease, or viral/bacterial maladies)
• A $25,000 deductible ($50,000 for X-Rays)
• Nothing

Now, thanks to Obamacare, this plan is no longer considered “healthcare.” Unfortunately for you, you are now uncoverable, and will probably die within the next few sentences of this letter. If only there were some sort of healthcare marketplace, or “exchange,” where one could shop for reasonable coverage! Alas, such a place is a tragic fantasy.

OK, sure, you could go to healthcare.gov. But can you imagine using a website that has experienced some problems? Next to those loadtimes, dying alone of a treatable disease is a picnic! If you have any questions, please visit smithington.com/policies/garbagelevel/poors/a44%22%EthGGf112XP84412p/O00o0oOoo0/questions.htm, and log in with your username and 16-digit PIN, both chosen for you by your HR administrator 5 years ago. If you do not remember these, please call us at 1-800-HAHANICETRY to hear encouraging hold music before being told to go to the website again.

We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the takers, browns, and womens who elected Obamacare.

Yours,

Snedley Harrison

VP of Waste Management

Boston Mayor Tom Menino to the Red Sox, October 31, 2013

I can’t explain just how much the Boston Braves mean to our city

Dear Red Team,

What a performance! You really did it! Who would have expected it all those months ago? Me, that’s who. I always knew, with the leadership and abilities of David Ortez and Dusty Pedro that the Bostons would be able to compete for the World Cup. Tacoby Bellsberry, Shanf Victorynow, and Mark Naples, you will all be remembered in the annals of Boston sports lore.

Of course, you need good throwing to complement good scoring, and we should recognize the contributions of all the great throwers: Lester Johnson, John Larkin, and especially the shutdown reliever, Daisuke Kojihara. I was mayor for the 2004 and 2007 championships, and this team stacks up with all the greats from those teams. Pedro Martinez, Manny Martinez, Curt Republicanguy, and David Ortez.

Finally, I would like to say a big thank you and congratulations to the manager, Will Farrell. Without your leadership, none of this would have been possible. Good luck on your upcoming sequel to Anchorguy.

If I were Queen of England, I would give you all knighthood for the services you’ve provided to our great city. But since I’m not, I’ll reward you the second best way I know how: expediting permit requests for waterfront development.

Congratulations, 2012 Boston Red Socks!

Thomas Menino

Mayor

Complaint Letter to Fox Sports, October 2013

This man is more obscene than the Sears Roebuck catalog

Dear Sirs:

I have been watching baseball on your network for as long as I can remember, and I have never in all those years been moved to complain about your broadcasts. Last night, however, I was so offended I had to contact you. This young McCarver fellow is simply disgusting. I’m not sure where you found him, but you should send him back there.

First, in the 3rd inning, he gratuitously said “69,” in reference to the young brownish child playing third base for Boston. I shouldn’t have to tell you, but that number represents a filthy sexual act and has no place on a family network. Not only that, but he described Fenway Park’s center field fence as being 420 feet from home plate, which my grandson tells me is code for smoking marihuana. I suppose your network is fine indoctrinating kids today into the world of reefer madness, with a side of oral sex. I won’t stand for it!

Mr. McCarver went on to describe Boston slugger David Artez as “holding a big stick.” Soon after, he described a play by the St. Louis shortstop as being “muffed.” When my wife heard these obscenities, she went white as a sheet and fainted. If that wasn’t bad enough, the other gentleman in the booth with the pleasant voice said something about “having it where it counts,” which is a reference to penis length if I’ve ever heard one.

I demand that these two filthmongers be replaced immediately for the rest of the series. Why Curt Gowdy and Mel Allen were ever replaced is beyond me.

Yours respectfully,

Josiah Crumsworth

Princeton ’31

Ted Cruz Fundraising Email to Supporters, September 25, 2013

“Join me in saying to this president, ‘I will not eat them, Sam I Am!'”

To: Cruzlets (list)

From: thacruzship1789@aim.com

Re: Ain’t I the Greatest??????

Friends of Liberty-

Thank you all for your generous and vocal support during my marathon filibuster of Obamacare! I really, truly, honestly could not have wasted everyone’s time on this grandstanding if it wasn’t for the kind words and kinder dollars provided by you. But the real work is just beginning.

Even though my brilliant, courageous oratory has clearly turned the intellectual tide against what is literally the worst government overreach since the 14th amendment, our enemies will not be so easy to sway. They will continue to tempt us into eating Obamacare, be it on planes, in trains, in hats or with cats. But, like the brave hero of that epic tome, we must continue to refuse. And just as he never tasted Green Eggs and Ham, and certainly didn’t enjoy it once he did, we must hold the line against Commandant Obama’s temptations.

Because we are the Rebel Alliance, fighting against the Evil Empire. I’m obviously Luke Skywalker, and you are the cheering, faceless masses cheering my heroic actions. Obama is obviously Darth Vader, but not because of the black thing. And while some in the liberal media may have been offended by my playing fast and loose with World War II-era references, or that somehow in my 21 hours of brilliance I may not have actually mentioned how Republicans would solve the health care crisis. Well, I would ask these traitors why they haven’t been offended by Obama insuring 50 million poors, when everyone knows Hitler lured the Jews to the concentration camps with promises of free health care.

And so, I am asking in this time that you once again generously open your hearts and your wallets (especially your wallets), that I may continue to show that I am better than everyone, but especially Obamacare. We’ll need a lot more, since I may need to invent a time machine to go back and stop Obamacare before it begins.

Onward!

Senator Ted Cruz, Genius

Setting up a Duel in the Old West, October 1871

We’re also looking forward to meeting your lovely prostitute!

“Two-shot” Tony Tarasco

The Outlaw Camp 2 Miles South of

Hayes, Colorado Territory 12

 

Dear Two-shot:

Congratualtions! “Deadeye Dan” Duncan, the rootinest, tootinest outlaw this side of the Missouri ™, has accepted your challenge. In light of the innumerable men you’ve killed, the herds of cattle you and your men have stolen, and your very impressive stint has a pirate on the Mississippi during the war, “Deadeye Dan” will consider it a great honor to gun you down in the street.

The date of your duel is set for November 5, 1871. All duels start promptly at high noon, so please plan to arrive 30-45 minutes in advance to complete all the paperwork. Your duel will take place on Main Street, Deever Springs, Colorado Territory, outside of Old Man McCallen’s saloon. All duel participants receive 25% off all whiskies, so be sure to stop in and say hi!

Please have your seconds RSVP by Pony Express no later than October 31st. “Deadeye Dan” is greatly looking forward to murdering you in broad daylight!

Sincerely,

Syd Feinburg

Publicist, “Deadeye Dan” Inc.

The inventor of the lock explains his invention to a friend, 717 BCE

Do not take your turnips for granted, my friend.

In This The Fifth Year Of The Mighty Sargon II’s Rule:

Hey Carl,

I’m sorry to hear the turnip peeler wasn’t a bigger hit with your wife (though I do hope she appreciated what a difference those serrated edges make, right?), but I’m enclosing one of my latest inventions, which I call a “Lock,” and I think you’re going to like it even better!

It lets you keep your most special belongings, like your turnips and ungrateful wife, protected from someone who might want to steal them, like a thief. Gangs coming up from Nineveh are becoming a bigger problem every year, and if you don’t want to see all your clay vases go straight out the window, you’re definitely going to want a Lock of your own.

First, you put all the things you want to protect—turnips, ungrateful wife, vases, grain stores, capable sons, incapable sons who are nonetheless beloved, chickens—into a room with a door. Then put the Lock onto the door (see diagram) and close it. No one can get in! Haven’t figured out how to open the Lock yet, but I’m sure I will soon!

Let me know what you think,

Hal