One grain of sand to another, 1982

Thought you’d appreciate a picture of home.

Hi Harvey,

How’s it going? We miss you over here in this part of the beach. Mom and Dad are fine (fine enough to go through a sieve, am I right?) and Hailey asks after you all the time. Nana is keeping active; she’s part of a castle wall right now.

I’ve been working on polishing up that one rough edge that’s always bugging me and doing a lot of thinking. It’s kind of weird—life is good and all, but sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just another star in an endless sky. Like there are just millions and millions of other stars exactly like me going on forever.

But I know that’s not true and that I’m unique and special in my own way. Mom thinks I need to get tossed around by a wave a bit. I should probably just count my blessings that I’m not stuck up some idiot’s butt crack.

Alright, I’d better go. I’m late to meet Jeff and Judy. We’re having a contest to see who can fly into someone’s eye first.

Love,

Alan

Analysis:

Lysimachus, Archon of Athens, to his Council, 436 BCE

Serious commentators are worried about the possibility of a “Melexit”

Gentlemen of Athens:

I will dispense with the formalities. The Delian League is in financial trouble. We all know the trouble some of the smaller members and especially trading non-members are having. Now, the situation in Melos has deteriorated to the point that it’s time for us to formally consider the possibility of a fiscally disastrous situation wherein Melos is forced out of of the Delozone. Obviously, no one wants Melos to abandon the drachma. The single currency has been a boon to Athenian traders as well as traders throughout the Delozone, and an unruly exit would likely spread to other members, such as Naxos, Rhodes, or even Achaea.

We all know times are tough. The Melan Government, after committing to our program of austerity, has now fallen under the rule of a new king who claims the stress is too great. We have merely asked them to get their house in order with a series of difficult but achievable steps:

1. Reduce spending on government salary
2. Improve tax efficiency by accepting increased chicken payments rather than just bulls
3. Save on unnecessary costs by eating less food. We’re all tightening our belts; some people just have to do it literally
4. Reduce potency of sacrifices. Trust us, the Gods like rocks and grass as much as cattle.
5. Most importantly, increase confidence by giving us lots of gold.

By following these steps, the people of Melos will simply sacrifice short-term happiness (and in some cases, short-term being alive) for long-term stability. Without firmly committing to these principles, it is impossible for traders here in Athens to be fully confident that investments in Melos will be repaid. Obviously, this instability could lead to disaster, and we must be vigilant to make sure that smaller nations remain committed to the league.

-EA Lysimachus

Analysis:

Graduation cards received by Peter Huxley, from 1978 to 2012

Hats off to you! Get it?

Petey,

Congratulations on graduating from Kindergarten! You are such a big boy! We can’t wait for what comes next!

We love you,

Mommy and Daddy

*

Dear Pete,

ConGRADulations! You’ve finished eighth grade! Now on to high school and beyond…the best is yet to come.

Mom and Steve

*

Peter,

You’ve finished high school, and now you are a man. In other words, it’s time to start taking some responsibility for your actions. But let’s not talk about that now. It’s a day for celebration (!). I’m sure your best days are still ahead of you.

Love,

Dad

P.S. For obvious reasons, we’re not giving you any cash.

*

Dear Peter,

Well, you finally did it. Congratulations. I’m not going to lie. I didn’t think I’d live to see the day you graduated from college, even one as  second-rate as Tupelo Community College.

Where did we go wrong? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have written that. I’d throw this card out and buy another one, but, well, money’s tight and I have to figure I’ll be supporting you for a while with the economy what it is.

Anyway, maybe things will improve for all of us.

Love,

Mom

P.S. I know you guys aren’t really in touch but Steve also wishes you well.

*

Dear Peter,

I know we already celebrated your graduation from college but when I found out you still needed 2 credits, I figured we’d celebrate again when you really graduated. This is that.

-Mom

*

Petey!

You did it! Congratulations on getting your certificate in lacquering! You’re so good at applying hard, durable finishes to wood products. The best is yet to come!

Your wife,

Patty

Analysis:

Ted Rensum to Kermit the Frog, September 1977

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Pigs don’t go into space at all!

Dear Mr. the Frog

I am very upset with your recent episode of “The Muppet Show.” To put it plainly, your show is filth. There is nothing socially redeeming about it. I’m not sure exactly what country you think you’re in, but this is the United States of America, not the hedonistic days of the Roman Empire. The amount of sex, drugs, and infernal music is nothing short of scandalous.

Imagine my surprise when I tune in to watch a lovely variety show in the vein of classic (and clean) American institutions like Lawrence Welk, and instead I’m bombarded with your disgusting mess. I watched your star, Miss Piggy (is “she” a he, by the way? I wandered into a nightclub in the West Village once and saw some similar filth.) basically attempt to throw herself at your “special guest” (a perverted euphemism if I’ve ever heard one). I watched a chicken initiate romantic relations with an anteater. Why must you promote this horrible miscegenation?

If you do not turn around your act and do something decent, I will report you to the House Committee on Unamerican Activities, which I’m pretty sure still exists. You are a disgrace to frogs everywhere.

Yours disgruntledly,

Theodore L. Rensum

Analysis:

Europa to Zeus, 1200 BC

Happier (sexier) times…

Dear Zeus,

I’m sorry to send this letter to you. There’s only one way to say this, but it’s over. When I saw you in that field, your beautiful white coat, that cute button of a nose, that sexy, sexy tail, I thought I was in love with you. I was filling to follow you anywhere. I dreamed of us eating grass, settling down, raising a calf together. And then I have to hear from Apollo that you aren’t a sexy bull at all. You’re just some smelly God! I feel so betrayed.

It’s one thing to lie. It’s another to find a girl’s deepest desires and fears and use those to seduce her. It’s almost like you read my diary, found out how hot I thought bulls were, and used that to trick me into, well, I don’t even want to write it. It was a dream come true. How was I to know it was to turn into a nightmare?

Plus, you always take me to the same places. Satyr’s gyros again? Barf. I should have known when you didn’t want to eat all that nice grass I cut for you. I feel so betrayed. Don’t call me again. There’s this cute swan I have my eye on…

-E

Analysis:

The Least Effective Chain Email Ever Sent, June 1999

Oh man, better do what it says. My future is at stake!

TO: grams111@aol.com, golfer1234@aol.com, puppykitty1@yahoo.com, wmromney@baincapital.com, 31 others

FROM: THEawesomestDude69@aim.com

Subject: Re: re: fw: FW: Fw: RE: RE: re: FW: fw: re: RE: YOU’VE BEEN GRAPED!

Apple, Banana, Watermelon, GRAPE! You’ve been graped! Forward this email to all your friends!

10 friends: 10 people will get this email

20 friends: 20 people will get this email

30 friends: 30 people will get this email

100 friends: your crush will kiss you!

But if you don’t send it, you’ll have the GRAPE CURSE! Sally Petunia didn’t send it to any friends. She just ignored it. Then, two weeks later, she fell into a pool at a pool party!

Tommy also got graped, but he didn’t send it to anyone. He thought chain letters was fake (LOL!!!!). Then two weeks later, his mom got him a pizza for dinner, but the crust was rubbery! Then he had to take a bath! When he got to school the next day, he had a test! He only got a 81!

Belly Pirkle also got this email. She ignored it for two days until her dad ran over a squirrel. Then she forwarded it to 400 people and the next day, she had a strawberry poptart!

FORWARD IT AND AVOID THE GRAPE CURSE! lolololo!!!!!!1!

Analysis:

The first birthday party invitation ever sent, 302 BCE

I’ll need a V and an I plus an I to grow on.

Dear Everyone In Our Class Except Ernestus,

You’re invited to a celebration of the anniversary of the day I was born, my “birth-day,” this Thursday at 11 a.m. inside the temple of Bacchus. (I will tie an inflated bull’s bladder to the doorpost so you’ll know it’s the right place.) We’ll sacrifice a goat or two and then get to the heavy wine drinking so I can forget that I’m already six and thus only have another thirty or so years to live. At the end of the morning, we’ll set the entire place on fire, and then attempt to blow out the flames to keep our lungs young and supple.

Hope you can make it! Bring un-lame presents.

Sincerus,

Marcus

Analysis: