Movie Executive Memo, January 2014

The Meal Ticket

Teammates!

Welcome to January! Or as we in the biz like to call it, the dumping month! No, Kevin, that doesn’t mean hitting the craft services table a little longer and spending a little more time in your trailer. It means it’s time to finally release the dregs of our past year on an unsuspecting public. Analysis says no month has a better cash-to-festering-turd ratio, so without further ado, here’s the Snodgrass Studios January lineup!

• Days of War – Mark Wahlberg stars as a guy in the army (or marines or something, who cares?). He fights some bad guys, maybe his wife is dead or something. He shouts a lot. Note: the “Bay Ratio” of nonwhite to white bad guys is over 60:1, which I believe to be a record!
• War of Days – Vin Diesel and some blonde lady with big tits save Los Angeles from zombie vampires.
• The Thickening – Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights and that tallish guy from the Walking Dead get trapped in a house with the ghost of a Chinese murderer/voodoo doctor. Only slightly more racist than it sounds, plus kids love weird, bloody horror movies. Big thanks to Ted Crawley for adding the most gratuitous topless scene in a Snodgrass film to date.
• Warriors of the Lost War – Mark Wahlberg wears a bandana and fights middle eastern-looking people in rural Arizona. They have kidnapped his daughter, maybe?
• Irrational Hearts – A romantic comedy of some kind. Has a lady and a dude and they might not get together but then, hey what do you know? they get together. Mark Wahlberg appears as the best friend.
• Crocodile Beach – Based on the tearjerker drama from director Sergej Stamen about the trials of living in Bulgaria under Milosevic. We added a bunch of girls in bikinis getting eating by 3-D crocodiles. And took out all the weird Bulgarian stuff. Best of both worlds!
• War of the Warriors II: War – Mark Wahlberg teams with Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson to fight a war. Some stuff explodes. Hot ladies. Sinister foreigners. Jesus, what more do people want!?

So far, we’ve netted over $38 million from the above. Here’s to many more champagne and cocaine breakfasts on Ted’s yacht in 2014!

Yours in cash,

Greg Guttierez
Publicity, Snodgrass Studios