Strategy Memo from Ted Cruz to John Boehner, August 8, 2013

Hey there, defenders of liberty

Hey there, defenders of liberty

Johnny –

Just wanted to drop a line RE: our plans to destroy Obamacare. I tried calling you, but for some reason your phone goes straight to voicemail every time I try. Weird. Anyways, I know we haven’t had much success so far, but I think these new tactics will end that nasty bit of socialism for good:

  • Pass another bill to repeal (38th times the charm!), only this time write the word “repeal” in bold, all-caps, red letters so they know we’re serious.
  • Since the liberal media won’t  drop the fact that we don’t have a replacement, we could use the money we save from repeal to give everyone in the country a coupon for a free Grand Slam at their local Denny’s. This will also have the secondary benefit of weeding out the weak and sickly, who will likely be killed from the exposure.
  • If we can’t repeal, how about we officially change the name from Obamacare to Hitlercare? I’d like to see the face of some young Democrat when she has to ask for some free Hitlercare birth control for all the gay sex that she’s having! Seriously, though, my polling suggests Hitler is less popular than Obama, so maybe there’s something here.
  • Literally shut down the government and plunge the nation into chaos because some poor people might get health care.
  • Rebranding: Is it too flippant to try to start calling the millions of people we’d like to strand without health care the “fun-insured”? After all, gambling is fun, and gambling when the stakes are literally death or bankruptcy resulting from medical treatment? Can’t get more fun than that! Otherwise, we could start calling them “freedom patriots” or “liberty freedoms” or “patriot liberty freedom Americans.”
  • Apparently, George W. Bush is still less popular than Obama. Could we call it “Bush-care”?

Let me know what you think. Obviously, this is just a placeholder measure until the time is right to pass my new and brilliant healthcare bill. I’m going to call it “Reagancare, featuring Ted Cruz.” Right now, all I have is that all Americans earning less than $20,000 per year will be issued a pair of bootstraps with which to pull themselves up out of poverty and into health. In return, mandatory drug testing, pregnancy/purity testing, and they have to hang a framed picture of Reagan over their television set. Then, we increase their taxes to pay for it, since they need to be fiscally responsible. Then, finally, we can cut taxes for rich folks and corporations. Maybe even eliminate that ridiculous “second plane” tax.

Your bud,

Teddy Roosevelt Cruz

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