Douglas Hemmer Responds to a Wedding Invitation, April 20, 1959

Gosh, there's not even that much room for me to list my music requests!

Gosh, there’s not even that much room for me to list all my music requests!

Dear Charlie and Ethel,

I am so excited to accept your gracious invitation to your upcoming wedding! I knew you two kids would get together the first time I heard Charlie talking about Ethel’s figure. I knew he’d get past how ugly her voice sounds! Congrats!

I noticed you didn’t give me a +1 to the event, which is perfect. I’ll actually need a +3. You see, I’m dating this firecracker named Helen (and what a pair of cannons she has! Charlie knows, he’s seen her!) Unfortunately, she’s married to this guy Nigel, so it would be weird to ask her to come without her husband. The third is for my buddy Billy Flanagan, who’s just this crack-up of a fellow. I think he would have a really good time.

I should let you know that I have several dietary restrictions you need to be aware of for the dinner. First, I can’t eat potatoes on Saturday, so even though I ordered the fish, you’ll need to give me the sides from the chicken. Also, I can’t use any glassware that has held red wine at any point in the past. I can drink red wine, but the glass will need to be new. Finally, I hate vanilla cake. Can your wedding cake please be chocolate? Thanks in advance!

Now I know you have your own plans for where to sit your guests, and I don’t want to impose, but I do have some requests. Obviously, I’d like to sit near Helen, with her husband somewhere else. Maybe you can sit him with you guys at the head table? I know Ethel’s sister Betsy is pretty desperate, and after a few pops she’ll probably open up to him. Also, I think you should sit us at table 6, since it’s my lucky number. And try to sit Flanners (that’s Billy Flanagan) with your parents; they’d get a real kick out of him, I’d bet. You know one time he drank so much he took a piss on the steps of city hall? Honest to God, it was two o’clock in the afternoon! What a riot.

Looking forward to the big day,


P.S. Make sure we get a good seat for the ceremony. Would it be possible for me and Helen to be on Charlie’s side, and Billy and Nigel to be on Ethel’s?


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