The Fatberg, a bus-sized lump of fat in the London sewer, to a friend, July 29, 2013

Thinking about using this as my profile photo...what do you think? I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard.

Thinking about using this as my profile photo…what do you think? I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard.

Hi Lucy!

It’s been too long! I feel like ever since I migrated over to this part of the London sewer, I never see you anymore! How are Earl and the kids? I bet they’re all grown up, aren’t they? Time flies!

I’ll tell you what doesn’t fly anymore, and it’s me. I just keep packing on stone after stone of raw sewage fat. And it’s never where you want it to be, either, am I right?! Like why can’t these grayish clumps of lipids stick to my chest instead of my hips. 😉 I’ve tried dieting, but the fat just shows up and attaches itself to me somehow. That’s just life, I suppose!

It’s getting harder and harder to move around, and most of the time I just stay in one place in the sewer system. I started online dating, but I’m too embarrassed to share a photo (and no one will message you if you don’t post a photo, duh). It’s not like I’m trying to meet some attractive young renewal resource, like a gust of wind. I’d be perfectly happy to meet another fatberg! I know, I know, you don’t like it when I call myself a fatberg, but let’s be real here. That’s what I am.

Anyway, I should get back to intermittently causing blockages across the neighborhood of Kingston. Write back when you can (I know you’re busy!)!




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