Thomas Jefferson to John Adams, May 1774

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Bros for life

In honor of America’s Independence Day, History of the Letter celebrates one of America’s most historic letter-writing duos: the founding fathers Thomas Jefferson and John Adams. Most Americans know that these two great statesmen wrote each right until the day they died, surviving political disagreements (as when Adams passed a controversial law authorizing the government to read citizens’ mail to root out any potential British), and that their correspondence contains much of historical and political interest regarding the early days of the United States. We have recently uncovered an early letter, dating from before the revolution, that shows a different side of these two titans of American history.

Dear J.A.,

Missed you last night at Franklin’s crazytime funhouse. I swear every time I see that guy he just gets weirder and grosser. Last night he was talking to these two chicks from Rhode Island (Like, where is that, right?) and he tried to bed both of them at once. And then, when one spurned his advances, the other one was still totally DTF (desiring to fornicate. Picked that up from your bro Sam). Seriously, that old bastard could unfreeze a Catholic’s loins.

Meanwhile, I was hitting on this chick Betsy all night, but she was obsessed with this George Washington guy. I don’t get it. The dude is married, for one, and his head looks like a potato. Those army guys get all the ladies. At one point I was trying to impress her by showing her some of my prose (the one about the colonies that rise up and declare independence from their oppressors, who are zombies), but she was all like “oh, I wonder if Washington is going to be here” and “did you know George scalped a guy once when he was out west?” Ugh. Some guys get all the luck.

By the way, I never congratulated you for nailing that sexy thing at Madison’s place last month. Seriously, I was like, totally impressed, mostly because Madison has some pretty lame parties (like, how many Farmers and Not Farmers theme parties can you have?), but also because I did not think you were into African ladies. Mazel Tov! (That’s Hebraic for “Fuckin’ A, dude”). I am green with envy. Not as green as the sweet hemp I brought, though, am I right? That shit made me see a new form of government where the ultimate authority rests in the consent of the governed, if you know what I mean. That weirdo Patrick Henry flipped out and got super paranoid and was all like, “give me jellied meats or give me death!” Seriously, what a douche chill.

Can’t wait to see you in New Amsterdam (Fuck the Brits!) for Hamilton’s “Anything but a loose confederation of independent states” party. That bro is a rich moron, but the dude is bound to have some sweet Caribbean ladies in attendance. Me gusta! (That’s Iberian for me likey!) If you get in early, we can hit the club (the King’s College Academic and Seminary Club).

Your bro (no homo),

Teej

P.S. You can’t even guess how much the stamp on this letter cost me. Seriously, fuck the Brits, man.

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