Dear Stephanie and Bill,
Welcome to the neighborhood! The last family that lived in your house proved most infuriating, so let’s hope you folks are better. Long story short, I have credible evidence that the fence separating our properties was not properly installed, and your side garden, as well as two feet of grass next to your driveway, should be mine. Frances Daylrimple, the octogenarian bitch (apologies for the strong language, but there’s no other way to describe her), was very difficult to work with and I’m hoping you, as her successors to the 12 Crescent View Drive estate, will be more reasonable.
Another way to describe Mrs. Daylrimple would have been “much-beloved mother of 4, grandmother of 10, volunteer nurse, and animal rescuer.” Mr. Tindal was never able to pursuade the old lady of the righteousness of his claims, and he twice invaded her garden, once refusing to leave for 14 days before the police were called.
As the enclosed map, drawn by Dan “Sitting Flower” Macklin of the local Pokagon tribe, shows that my property was carved out by my great-great-great-great-great grandfather, Hiram Tindal, and is supposed to run from the bird feeder collection to the dead patch of grass, and from Jefferson Street to where this really big oak tree used to be, except it was cut down in like 1926. I believe that the tree used to stand precisely where you’ve placed the incredibly ugly patio furniture.
Mr. Tindal got Mr. Macklin to draw the map after beating him in a game of bowling. Dan Macklin is not actually Native American, and had no idea what he was drawing. He got the nickname “Sitting Flower” because in high school he was a terrible athlete and spent most of his time on the bench because his coach felt he was weak.
If you do not recognize my ancient de jure claims to what is rightfully mine, I shall have no recourse but to declare war and take it by force. Please join me for a summit meeting in my living room as soon as possible to avoid this dreadful fate. This time, maybe someone from city hall will actually show up.
Lord Proprietor of 16 McCarty Street