Reader to ‘Cosmopolitan’, 2013: “I lost 20 pounds in just 7 days using the easy, week-long RAINBOW plan.”

Please consult a doctor before systematically destroying your body.

Dear Editor,

I lost 20 pounds in just seven days using the easy, week-long RAINBOW plan. I think your readers will appreciate knowing about this amazing acrostic method for losing weight quickly and safely. Here’s the rundown:

R – R is for the raw foods you’ll be eating on Day 1 of the plan. Raw foods trick your body into thinking you’re a bunny rabbit or a giraffe, which is where those animals get that long, slender look. Pretty soon you’ll be hopping alongside them, because you’re going to have boundless energy!

A – A is for air, and that’s what you’re taking in on Day 2. Did you know the human body can survive for several days on just air? And you’re only eating air for one day. Don’t just breathe it, eat it. Get out a plate and a knife and fork. Cut up that air into bite-sized pieces, and mmmm. Enjoy!

I – I is for I, by which I mean, you! On Day 3, it’s fingernails, bits of hair, cuticles, and human blood. By reingesting your own self, you burn twice the calories!

N – N is for nothing. It’s important to give your stomach a break after three indulgent days. You can breathe air, but don’t eat any air on Day 4!

B – B is for beef, your diet on Day 5. Steaks, hamburgers, ribs—if it’s beef, it’s on limits. So go nuts! All that protein is a great way to jumpstart your metabolism. That’s how cows do it!

O – O is for owls. Stupid owls with their stupid, delicious-looking feathers. You’ll know what I mean by Day 6.

W – W is for—you guessed it—water. Spend the day in bed, enjoying glass after glass of water, and luxuriating in the knowledge that you’ve done something good for your body. You’re now a beautiful giraffe, and that lion you see nearby is almost definitely a hallucination. It’s time to get your new body into a bikini and then over to a hospital for some IV fluids!

And that’s it. I do this once per year just to stay trim, and a couple of other times per year to punish myself.

Best wishes,

Starla Attleberry

 

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