Calling the tenant “tenant” is actually fairly nice for management companies and landlords. Other commonly used terms are “space-occupier,” “whiny money dispenser,” and “human garbage.”
We have reviewed your complaint and ruled to dismiss it on the grounds of being completely hilarious. You claim to have “not had hot water for two weeks,” yet we have provided cold water and a stove with 2 (of 4) working burners. Are we supposed to purchase a cauldron for you? Please refer to section 18, subsection c of the Landlord-Tenant Act of 1964.
New York’s housing laws are still notoriously biased towards landlords, but less so than when this letter was written. The section in question read “The TENANT (meatbag), shall have the right to hot water by making it himself. If the hot water provided by the LANDLORD is unavailable for an extended period, the tenant is invited to go fuck himself.”
Now, thanks to a new tenant’s bill of rights, tenants facing a prolonged loss of hot water or heat “can apply for redress with the City Department of Self-Intercourse.”
Secondly, you claim that your refrigerator has not worked in a month. We have not verified this to be our fault, but we will grudgingly send someone to take a look. Please be at your apartment between 7 AM and 9 PM on Monday, December 18th, 2006.
Shockingly, the landlord did send a maintenance worker to check the fridge just one week after this date. The refrigerator “was in good working order, except for not keeping anything refrigerated,” which the landlord claimed to be due to “using the appliance in an inappropriate manner by storing food in it.” The tenant was charged $100 for the inspection.
Finally, your complaint that the superintendent is “missing and completely impossible to contact” is frankly insulting. Osvald can be contacted by simply waiting on the corner outside the building on the third Monday of every April, in the light of the full moon.
Sadly, Osvald Ramirez had been dead for nine years when this letter was written. A new super has yet to be hired (as of today), but the landlord “is working hard to find the right whatever to do the thing.”
Please do not contact us with frivolous requests in the future. Your request for rent reduction is laughingly rejected. In addition, we are raising your rent 15% effective immediately. We won’t paint, but if you paint the cracked and disgusting walls please be advised you will be sued for attempting to improve your living situation while being subhuman (renting).
“Attempting to Improve One’s Living Situation while Renting” still carries a fine of up to $10,000 or up to three years in prison. Painting a wall any color other than “Asylum White” is a capital offense.