Baseball fans, investors, and the general public,
I’m Commissioner of Major League Baseball Allan H. “Bud” Selig. There’s no easy way to put this, so I’ll just go right ahead and say it. Within the past 48 hours since Opening Day, every single Major League Baseball player has tested positive for steroids or other banned substances.
Obviously, we’re not going to let this stand. On the other hand, we can’t suspend everyone. That would be tantamount to canceling baseball, and only God has that right.
So after much discussion with my colleagues and the players’ representatives, we’ve decided to “un-ban” steroid use this season. Players will be allowed to publicly discuss what cocktail of drugs they are abusing, and we’ll find out which is the most potent. Together. Let’s see how this goes. It could be a lot of fun.
Bud “Red Juice” Selig