Kensington Whitmore to his Cousin on Columbus’ Voyage, 1493

Look at the boat! Does that look realistic to you?

Look at the boat! Does that look realistic to you?

Dear Michael,

I was saddened to hear that you too have fallen under the spell of this Christopher Columbus and his Mediterranean ways. This voyage to some “New World” was so obviously fake I cannot believe anyone has fallen for it. The entire endeavor was planned and executed by Spanish interests to incite panic throughout Europe. That you have fallen for such an obvious hoax is incredibly disheartening.

My theory, partially derived from the message boards (outside of Stockman’s Grains), is as follows: First, this Columbus fellow is an actor hired by the Spanish crown. Had you heard of him before this so-called discovery? What else has he done? Where did he come from? These questions were never even asked. I believe him to be an actor of French origin named Henri Duplesse. Second, these three “ships” he supposedly used would be totally incapable of a journey that long. You can tell by the molding. Fact: To sail across the ocean such a distance would require a ship to be 40 times the size of those Columbus supposedly used. This isn’t speculation, this is purely scientific. Look more closely at the names. “Nina” and “Pinta” were the names of King Ferdinand’s favorite cats. If you rearrange the letters, they spell “TINPINANA,” an acronym for “Terrible Invasions Near Portugal. Inside News Allows No Action.” How much more obvious could it be?

Here’s what I think happened: The Spanish court decided they needed to make a splash, so they hired this Duplesse to “plan a trip to Hindustan,” knowing full well to reach the East by traveling westwards would probably kill him. He took his tiny ships on a tour around Iberia, just far enough from the coast to avoid being detected. Then, they returned several months later with “maps” and “gold” and “slaves” from this “New World.” Now, they plan to use this hoax to trick our nation into diverting resources to exploration so they can invade more easily. If you and the other sheep don’t wake up, we’ll all be speaking Spanish.

Best,

Ken

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