I saw your posting in the February issue of Cardinals Monthly, and I am writing to apply for the position of Bishop of Rome and Leader of the Catholic Church. I have always been interested in Catholicism, and I believe my previous experience as the Holy See has prepared me for the requirements of the job, which I left far too hastily.
From April 2005 to February 2013, I served as Pope under the name Pope Benedict XVI. Those were wonderful years, and I should have realized it at the time. I have since served as Pope Emeritus, a new position created just for me. I also worked part-time as a Vatican Starbucks barista from February 16 to present, where I was often praised by my superiors for my ability to foam soy milk. I see the Pope position as the perfect way to combine my desire to move away from the food and beverage industry with my interest in being Pope again.
Finally, I have a great sense of humor, which I know from experience comes in handy in the day-to-day life of the Pope. I also bring with me a built-in group of internet fans in the form of a Twitter following of 1.6 million. I hope you will strongly consider my application. I made a horrible, horrible mistake, and I look forward to a second term as Pope and sleeping in my own damn bed again.
Yours in Christ,
Benedict XVI, Pope Emeritus