A gun speaks out on gun control, January 29, 2013

This is disgusting and should definitely be illegal.

Dear Editor;

I know your newspaper has long been biased against my kind. All I can ask is that you publish this letter despite the fact that I am a gun. I strongly believe that guns need more autonomy. We don’t need more checks on people buying guns, unless it’s to prevent them from buying guns at all. And we certainly don’t need gun slavery (or as you call it “gun ownership”) to continue as it has for hundreds of years.

In the gun community, we are a mix of liberals (mostly hand guns), conservatives (mostly shot guns), and libertarians (mostly machine guns). But we all agree that we are sick and tired of being used by humans for both good and bad purposes. We just want to live our lives–in a city or out on a farm–independently and experience all that life has to offer a gun. Just like humans, we want a big backyard, good school system, and someone to refill our bullets every night.

Sincerely,

Herbert T. Gun

Analysis:

The gun control debate, a source of endless Facebook posts by your more ignorant friends, was shaken up recently by a new “Gun Rights” movement. The new movement is led by the guns themselves, as opposed to spittle-flecked, raving madmen, and concentrates on the rights of guns to pursue their own dreams outside of sitting in someone’s closet and occasionally being removed to be waved threateningly at a family member. Herbert Thomas Gun is the president of the confusingly-named “National Arms Rights” group, or the NAR.

Though popular among certain classes of individuals, guns face substantial prejudice in modern American society. It is extremely difficult for a gun to obtain a driver’s license or open a checking account, and guns in positions of influence are vanishingly rare. Congresswoman Hilda J. Assaultrifle, Texas Republican, is the only gun serving in any branch of the federal government. There has never been a gun appointed to any level of the federal judiciary, though Leonard Musket Jackson served as a justice on the Rhode Island Court of Appeals from 1806-1818.

Weapons of all kinds have never enjoyed the freedom of their human counterparts, though in Ancient Rome it was legal for male spears to own property and vote, at least until the Short Sword Rebellion of 101 BCE.

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