REGIVALD L. SLATZENSTEIN
JUROR ID: 311929385
Congratulations! You have been selected to be an honorary “Champion of Democracy” on October 8th, 2011. We humbly request your expert opinion in deciding one (1) case that frankly, we just couldn’t do without you. And while this may sound like your grandparents’ jury duty, we’ve gone a long way to make your day as CoD as special as possible.
- We now have WiFI! Bring your computer and look at things on the internet! It’s what you would do at work all day anyways.
- We now guarantee that you’ll sit on at least one tawdry murder, rape, or corporate intrigue case guaranteed to soon be “ripped from the headlines” for Law and Order! (NOTE: Law and Order’s cancellation does not mean you can substitute another network courtroom drama like NCIS)
- Did I mention the WiFi? It’s blazing fast because nobody here ever uses it!
- The coffee for sale outside the Jury Pool has been lauded by food critics as “drinkable.”
- No-excuse postponements available. Not interested in serving your country and your fellow citizens today? Just call and reschedule for later! You can reschedule from the comfort of your home up to 5 times!*
- Seriously, this WiFi. We don’t even filter it, so if you need a little midafternoon “alone time,” bring a smartphone into any one of our comfortable bathroom stalls and watch all the porn you need!
So come on down! We don’t have money for snacks in the budget, but our drinking fountains are actually pretty adequate for such an old building!
Director of Jury Services
*Upon 6th postponement, or if you fail to attend Champion of Democracy duty, you will be sentenced to 30 lashes and a fortnight of dinners with Donald Trump
Ten years after the events of September 11, 2001, New York City was still trying to rebuild its reputation as a place that wasn’t completely horrifying to live in. The city did so with its Make New York Less Bad campaign, which over the next decade would violently lift up the city by its dog-urine-soaked bootstraps.
A major component of this campaign was getting free wifi everywhere, which thus far has only worked in Starbi (the plural of Starbucks) but Bloomberg hopes that by 2021, there will be free wifi in public bathrooms in Central Park as well. We can only dream…