Queen Elizabeth II to Duchess of Cambridge, December 12, 2012

Okay, so first you get married, and then, this other thing happens. I'm not going to spell it out for you!

Okay, so here goes: first you get married, and then, this other thing happens. Get it? It’s only natural, but the whole thing is a bit icky to think about.

My dear Kate,

I’m delighted to hear the wonderful news. Of course, as the Queen, a certain level of propriety [i] is expected from me, so I’m not going to spell out exactly what news I’m talking about. But I think you know to what I refer. That little pea in your pod. You know. Your pod. [ii]

Anyhoo, before you undertake such an important role, you should know a few vital, unique things about Royal Family babies. First, we do not cry. Upon birth, each Royal is given a small silver bell, which he or she may ring if he or she requires nursing, a new nappy, or a country to be invaded. [iii]

Second, Royals take longer than commoner babies to walk, talk, laugh, and play. This is not because of centuries of inbreeding, but because we have absorbed into our genetic material the knowledge that someone else will take care of it. I can recommend an excellent whipping boy if you need one.

Finally, a Royal baby always looks the most like whichever deceased ruler you name it after. [iv] So choose carefully, and by all means think twice before you choose Edward IV. Shudder.

Kisses and best of luck,

The Queen[v]


[i] Historically, English Royals would not always agree with Queen Elizabeth here. Please see King Edward VIII’s famous letter to the Pope entitled “Leadin’, Prayin’, and Fuckin’: My Views on the Church Hierarchy.”

[ii] Other English words for womb include “infant flat,” “interior tea house,” and “pregnodrome.”

[iii] Genealogists, using an advanced algorithm based on both William and Kate’s DNA, think this country will be Luxembourg.

[iv] Seen most famously in Queen Popeye I of Norway.

[v] Before Freddy Mercury died, Queen Elizabeth would sign all of her letters “Queen” as part of a long-running joke between her and the longtime rock and roll frontman. Mercury signed his letters “Liz I.” After his tragic death, the Queen decided to honor his memory by adding “the” to her signature. It should also be mentioned that she often doodles an obscene drawing after her signature, which cannot be reproduced electronically without bringing the possibility of a pornography lawsuit.

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