Bed Bath and Beyond to customer listserve, November 23, 2012

WE WILL TYPE LOUDER NEXT TIME.

WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU THIS MORNING??? We told you this was your only chance. We told you to act now. We told you this opportunity would not come again for another 365 days, you MORONS!

But when the store opened at our special Black Friday opening time of 3:30 a.m. the previous Monday, the lines were barely–BARELY–down the block. Why did we even bother to hire that 400 security guard detail for today, huh??? Who is going to pay for all of those machetes?

Well, you know what? Your loss. Those dishes you wanted? You’re not getting them for 80% of the list price. Hell no! You can’t get an egg poacher for only $16.99 (such a ?&*%! amazing deal!). Not today! You missed your chance at replacing your sheets with slightly nicer sheets you stupid fucking cunts.

DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 20% OFF ONE ITEM AND 20% OFF YOUR ENTIRE PURCHASE? This is the difference. Buy ALL THE TOWELS YOU WANT, NOW. NEVER BUY TOWELS AGAIN. THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE.

UGH.

Whatever.

Analysis:

Black Friday is a wonderful American tradition, dating back all the way to the time of the Pilgrims, who shook themselves out of their tryptophan comas and got a great deal on some land. For hundreds of years, Americans have understood that the true meaning of Thanksgiving is buying stuff you can be thankful for.

Frustrated by this year’s failure to impress upon customers what an excellent deal they could get if they would only come to Bed Bath and Beyond NOW, CEO Steve Temares says next year they will be sending the kind of email flyer where they “come to your house and get you.”

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