Leaked RNC Strategy Memo, November 14th, 2012

The future of the Republican party can be seen in this picture

Dear Strategerists,

We lost. It’s time to move on. To do so, we need to figure out why the poors and browns and ladies don’t like us very much. Then we need to figure out how to make them like us. Remember, we need to do this without actually adopting any actual positions they have, so as not to alienate all the people in our party who hate them. Here are some early suggestions:

  • These folks seems to like political correctness. Apparently you can’t call Mexitinos “illegals” or they get all pissy. We need to bring our phrasing into the 20th century. Women voters will now be referred to as “Lady-Americans” or “Peniley-challenged Americans.” Mexspanics will be called “Illegal-Americans.” Blacks will be called “New Black Panthers.” Poors will be called “Moocher-Americans.” This should insulate us from liberal media attacks that we are unconcerned with these un-citizens.
  • We need to offer them “stuff” like Obama did. I propose allowing Lady-Americans to maintain semi-direct control of their uteruses (uteri?) except in cases of national emergency. Instead of health care, which is expensive and pointless, we’ll offer the poors tickets to Wrestlemania.
  • We also need to tone down our rhetoric. Instead of calling Obama a Kenyan Marxist Anticolonialist, we’ll just call him a socialist menace bent on the destruction of America.
  • Bring Osama Bin Laden back from the dead, send him back in time to be killed by the other president we had for awhile (?)
  • Married voters are more likely to vote for Republicans, so we should support gay marriage.
  • We need to drive up the religious vote, so we should also take a hard stance on gay marriage.
  • Finally, we have a guy named Markus Rubicon, who I believe is a Hispafrican. Maybe if we just put him on tv all the rest of them will like us.

Let’s meet re: strategy changes at McConnell’s place. Swim trunks required.



This memo was strategically “leaked” to the New York Times yesterday, leading many top journalists to ask why the GOP would want this information to be public. This has been the case with many leaked letters over the years, from a love note written by Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky to the recipe for Chicken McNuggets, both of which were too disgusting to print.

As for the project of bringing Osama bin Laden back from the dead, many people have been working on this project from their home computers using Google’s new tool Google Zombie. It makes it easy to bring anyone back from the dead, and you can do it all through your Gmail account. It’s really quite handy.


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