Email sent by David Petraeus to Paula Broadwell, May 2012

Attached is my favorite photograph of the two of us.

Paulaster,

I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve never felt so close to anyone before. Feeling this way just makes me want to reveal myself and dozens of state secrets to you. You make me feel like I could rocket into space, although not as high as the moon, which is impossible.

Being around you makes me feel as dirty as the CIA operatives who assassinated John F. Kennedy must have felt. I’m ashamed of the things I’ve been thinking about you, but I feel certain that you understand my feelings, much like the emotionally evolved aliens at Area 51. Still, it’s harder to keep our affair a secret than it was to cover up the fact that the U.S. government planned 9/11.

I can’t wait to see you again and do something to you that could spread HIV, which of course was created by the CIA to wipe out African Americans and gays.

Let’s get under a table soon.

Love,

Dave

Analysis:

After a long, stressful election year, when Americans spent an inordinate amount of time talking about issues and policies, it’s nice to get back to what Americans do best: political sex scandals. When it was revealed that CIA Director and former General David Petraeus was having an affair with Paula Broadwell, his biographer and professional milf, the nation’s media breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, something we could all agree on: sex scandals are more fun than tax policy.

We were able to get this letter thanks to our seat on the board of General Petraeus’ “Committee for a New American Boinking,” a thinktank that figures out how to set up older generals with hot 30-40 year old women. Famously, it was Dwight D. Eisenhower who remarked that as president, there was no limit of married women who wanted to “like Ike,” but as general it was much more difficult. Seeking to remedy the problem, Petraeus consulted the nation’s top philanderers in creating a new organization designed to rectify the imbalance. Though we have now resigned our seat, along with Newt Gingrich, Donald Trump, and Kristen Stewart, we cannot help feeling pride that we were able to be a part of such a successful project.

It is of course important to remember that in the US, sex scandals like this are magnified due to the country’s attitudes toward sex. In France, for example, when Suprème Général François du Bœuf learned of the Petraeus affair, he merely sighed, took another drag from his cigarette, and rolled over to rejoin his wife, her boyfriend, her boyfriend’s girlfriend, and former President Nicolas Sarkozy in bed.

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