Gentlemen (and Peggy)-
Don’t give up! The election may have been “called,” but I know for a fact that polling is on the up for Mitt Romney. Florida is still out, and I think we can win a recount there. That would put us over the top at 234 electoral votes. From there, we should be able to pick off Ohio, Virginia, and Wisconsin for the victory. Yes, the polls show we’re currently down with 100% of precincts reporting, but have you seen the party ID numbers? +6 Dem is an unrealistic expectation.
Plus, I think we have a really good chance to grab control of the Senate. Yes, somehow we’ve “lost” two seats while defending 10 to the Democrats’ 22, but the fight is not over yet! I think if we just spend one, two billion dollars more on ads we can beat Elizabeth Warren. Then, once she’s in the hospital, we can put Scott Brown in a dress and tell everyone he’s her.
I know several of you have been grumbling that I “wasted” your “hundreds of millions of dollars” by “losing pretty much every election we contested,” but I’m Karl Rove, dammit! I managed to get George W. Bush reelected when his approval rating after 9/11 was a paltry 91%. I’m still a political genius. And David Plouffe is a homo.
So keep donating. We can still pull this one out.
More interesting even than the contents of the body of this letter is the fact that Karl Rove announced his run for president in 2016 in the postscript. “If nobody else can do it, then I guess I’ll just have to do this damn thing myself, morons,” he wrote. Karl Rove is already speculating that he has won that election.
The team at Fox News, still hungover from a 48-hour Jack Daniels binge, was delighted to receive Rove’s letter. They threw up, showered, and headed back to the studio, where they pistol-whipped analysts until they finally cried out “Yes, okay, Obama didn’t win!”
In Washington, the President had a quiet dinner with his family.