Unauthorized Guide to Harassing Obama Voters in Ohio, November 6, 2012

Let’s make a rich man’s dreams come true.

Listen, guys–

Basically, the election comes down to this. We are just hours away from knowing who will be the next president of the United States. We cannot let this opportunity go to waste by losing Ohio. So some ways we thought of to stop Obama voters from getting to the polls:

  • Get in line in a Democrat-heavy neighborhood and spread a rumor there’s a sale on tapestries at World Market that ends today
  • Alternately, talk about how the locally sourced fish at the nearby Whole Foods is amazing, but they’re running out
  • Dig Democrat-shaped pits around polling sites
  • Go door-to-door to let voters know their polling place has changed to Texas
  • Call Democrats pretending to be from the Obama campaign and tell them they’re ugly
  • Start an argument about Donald Trump
  • Ask if anyone’s heard the latest Nate Silver numbers that have Dems winning even if no Democrats vote in Ohio
  • Warn voters in college towns about mandatory election drug testing
  • Tell voters Bruce Springsteen is having a concert downtown (if downtown, say uptown)
  • Remind black people and women that Ohio is one of the few remaining states without universal suffrage
  • If that fails, remind them to pay the poll tax and fill out the required Grandfather Clause paperwork

This is totally not from the big guys upstairs, okay? Just something we came up with on the ground.

Let’s win Ohio,

Ohio for Romney

Happy Democracy Day, America! Yes, after basically two years of constant campaigning, it finally comes down to the “Only Poll That Matters!” (TM). The pitches have been made, the commercials have been ignored, and finally, America is ready to engage in its grandest tradition of all: making it comically difficult for people to vote. Whether it’s partisan Secretaries of State “losing” absentee ballots, Fox News warning voters that minorities may be standing near polling places, or just good old-fashioned threatening voters with a campaign placard, America does voting worse than just about every country in the world.

And yet, here we are. The last undecided voter, Jenny Smigel of Orange, CA will make up her mind sometime around 9PM EST tonight (“I think Obama is a pretty cool guy, but I wouldn’t mind if Tagg Romney put me in one of his binders full of women, if you know what I mean!”). That leaves nothing but waiting for 250 different people on 19 different networks to tell us exactly what it all means. Spoiler alert: It might depend on whether their guy won or not.

Of course, America will survive what some observers have called “the most embarrassing election in American history, except can you believe Nixon won 49 states in ’72?!” America survived “the Corrupt Bargain,” when Rutherford B. Hayes vaulted into office after his campaign promised to sell back some of the Louisiana Purchase. It survived the election of 1860, when Abe Lincoln was elected and seven states seceded, but we all totally made up, guys. And most recently, we survived Florida 2000, when the Supreme Court, cranky after having missed 3 consecutive nights of “Matlock” decided to give the election to GW Bush.

So go exercise your patriotic duty and vote! Especially for second chamber city council comptroller, state dog auditor, and president of the town vocational school board. You’ve read enough to make an informed decision, right?

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