Would you believe how time flies? I know it’s been kind of a long time since anyone talked about me, so I thought I’d drop a line to introduce myself. I’m the Persian Gulf, and believe it or not, I’m still here.
I don’t know if you remember, but you Americans actually spent a lot of time worrying about me for awhile. Oh, gosh, I guess it’s been 20 years, but you know you actually named a whole war after me! No, I’m not the “of 1812.” I’m actually the Gulf in the “Gulf War.” Do you remember that? No? Oh, okay. You also sent some boats through me a few years back. On your way to Iraq? Ring any bells? Ah well, I guess I am pretty forgettable. I mean, you would think you would know a country isn’t landlocked if they have a whole Gulf named after them. I guess Iran isn’t called Persia anymore. Maybe I should change my name to the Ahmadinejad Sea. Then you’d notice me.
But hey, that’s fine. I’m sure you have other, better bodies of water. Like the Gulf of Mexico. Like she’s so hot or whatever. Or maybe the Sea of Japan, that harlot. But, no, it’s cool. You can just string a Gulf along for 20 years then pretend like you don’t even know it exists. We are never ever getting back together, Romney.
And if you ever want to invade Iran, you better not ask me for help.
Your former favorite gulf,
Letters written by bodies of water are nothing new, so this memorandum, published in the Washington Post yesterday morning, barely caused a stir in the vast, simmering pot of pre-election word vomit. The Persian Gulf published the letter publicly after having its initial email to Romney returned due to a full inbox, which the Gulf, embarrassingly enough, complained about in the online comments to its own letter:
And the email thing–aren’t you worried you’ll miss something important? I’m a body of water, and even I check my email on a regular basis.
Other famous letters by bodies of water include a poetic love letter from the Indian Ocean to Eudoxus of Cyzicus, a request for damanges from the Strait of Hormuz to Ronald Reagan, and a missive from the Atlantic Ocean to Christopher Columbus telling him he’s a moron.