To: Members of Driscoll Household
From: Budget committee
Re: 2009-2010 Budget
Due to a reduction in capital gains, the Driscoll Household is facing severe budget cuts. Rather than borrow money from our Chinese neighbors, the Hu family, we’re going to need to raise taxes and reduce spending. Everyone will be expected to contribute a percentage of his or her allowance to the family budget, on a sliding scale based on age and income. For example, Timmy Driscoll, 5, will be expected to contribute 50 cents per week, or 20% of his salary. Because she is part of the top earning 25% of the family, Juliet Driscoll, 42, will be expected to contribute 100% of her salary.
Even with these tax increases, we’re going to have to shut down some popular centrally funded programs, including turning on the heat when it’s not that cold out, pet birthdays, and pizza Wednesdays. We will retain those programs that we deem necessary to the prosperity of the Driscoll Household, including paying for HBO, new clothes at the beginning of the school year, and our unlimited cereal policy.
Of course, we anticipate that these changes will not be taken lightly by Driscoll citizens. As usual, members of the household of voting age (40+) will be allowed to vote for a new Budget committee chair on the first Tuesday in November.
The fall 2009 Driscoll Family Election is one of the most vicious in recent memory. After announcing a wildly unpopular deficit reduction scheme in October, polling conducted by Uncle Mort quickly showed tightening in the race for Dad. Incumbent Dad Fred Driscoll, after starting with 100% percent of the vote, fell precipitously as likely voters began to say they were undecided. It was only the beginning.
Katie Driscoll, 14, a late entrant in the race, was successful in the landmark Driscoll v. Driscoll Household (2009) case, and a federal judge forced the family to lower the voting age to 5 in order to comply with Civil Rights regulations. Quickly, Katie pivoted her campaign to capturing the youth vote. Teddy Driscoll, 12, was polled and found to support his sister, moving the result into a 50-50 tie.
As the campaign headed into the last weeks, all attention was paid to Timmy Driscoll, the key swing vote. Campaign ads promising increased dog birthdays and extended Nintendo libraries were all over the house. Fred Driscoll appeared with his embattled wife Juliet at a fundraiser, which was secretly recorded and placed on YouTube. The speech, when he famously declared “I don’t care about 60% of this family,” was the final nail in the coffin. Timmy Driscoll voted for Katie, who romped to a 3-2 victory on Election Day in the race for Dad.
Since her election, Katie has managed to balance the budget, increase pizza income, and grow a magnificent Dad-moustache. However, the highly funded “Dad-Back” Super PAC, along with Karl Rove’s Crossroads GPS, are heavily funding challengers for next year.