NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to Replacement Refs, September 26, 2012

Honestly, except for all the terrible calls you made you did a great job

Dear scabs,

Thanks for nothing. Honestly, all you needed to do was go straight from Division II NCAA football or the Lingerie Football League or the Bait and Tackle shop or wherever the hell you worked to the most watched and scrutinized league in the world and not screw everything up. Players and coaches do it all the time. I think. I haven’t actually watched a game since 2007. But it shouldn’t be that hard. Do you know many calls the refs in Madden ’06 get wrong? Like, maybe, MAYBE, two per game.

But no, you jerks had to go and be comically terrible. Do you know how many jokes people on Tweeter made about you? And how mean they were about me? Someone told me I should take my head out of my butt. What does that even mean?

But thanks to you, we had to settle with the actually refs. And, since you managed to somehow show that football refereeing is actually hard, people think those greedy assholes deserve the money they get! Do you know much this is going to cost us? We could lose up to 0.2, even .03% of our yearly revenue stream thanks to you! Now I have to look poor Jerry Jones in the eye and tell him that no, maybe he won’t be able to hire that 50th hooker for his half-birthday party. The poor little guy is going to be devastated.

I hope you’re happy with yourselves.

RG1 – The Original Baby!

Sent from my Blackberry Quark

Analysis:

It’s important to note that this is the only email or letter of any kind ever sent by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. After consulting with his assistant as to the proper way to go about communicating with a large group of people without actually having to speak to them directly, Goodell decided that the letter fit the bill. And speaking of bills, he attached a bill to this email for the time it took him to write it.

The recent difficulties many professional sports leagues have had in settling with various unions has led Americans to believe that sports unions are a terrible idea, even though other unions are OK. Nobody wants to go to school, so it’s cool if teachers in Chicago strike. But we need sports to distract us from our fumbling relationships and awkward days at the office. It’s irresponsible of athletes or referees to strike and leave us with no choice but to reflect momentarily on our real lives. 

Managers can do whatever they want.

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