I’m not going to beat around the bush. I think we should break up. I never realized you were the kind of boy who could just laugh at the word “butt.” I thought you were different than all the other boys. When you told me you like the Powerpuff girls, I thought it meant you were in touch with your feminine side. Then you said Bubbles was “cute.” How dare you?
I didn’t make this decision lightly. The first time you pulled my hair on the playground my heart skipped a beat. When you showed me that gross roadkill raccoon I thought we would be together forever. But then you dumped your pencil shavings all over my desk and tried to get Tommy to eat them. I feel we’ve grown apart.
Maybe it was never meant to be. Maybe we’re too different. You’re in Mrs. Mendelson’s class, while I’m all the way down the hall in Mrs. Dupont’s. Maybe it was a sign. I’m sorry Josh. I hope we can still be bus buddies for the trip to the aquarium.
Cindy Cohen, now 16, wrote in to offer some insight into her relationship with Josh. She said she “regretted” breaking up with Josh, who has since turned into a real “studmuffin” (according to local U.S. History teacher Madeleine McRae) but seems to prefer that slut Hallie Papir.
“I made a huge mistake,” Cohen writes. “At this point Josh and I would probably be married and living in a cute little house within walking distance of Lincoln [High School].” At this point, a tear drop stains Cohen’s pink stationary.
Nelson, 17, continues to find the word “butt” amusing.