Mavis Flergman to First Lady Michelle Obama, September 5, 2012

I mean, are you serious? You look photoshopped!

Dear Michelle,

I watched you speak at the convention last night and I am appalled. I will certainly not be voting for you. How dare you try to get my kids to eat vegetables? If I want my kids to be fat, they’re gonna be fat no matter what you and your Marxo-Simmons agenda say.

But most importantly, I feel you and your ridiculous arms set an unfair standard for women everywhere. I spent most of your speech staring at those chiseled cannons where normal human arms usually grow and I was just disgusted. How do you think young girls feel when they look at you? Not very good, I’d imagine. They probably spend hours doing bicep and tricep exercises when they should be learning how to sew or wash dishes. And they’ll never look as good as you. You should be ashamed.

Yours flabbily,

Mavis Flergman

Analysis:

Michelle Obama has repeatedly been criticized by the press and ordinary Americans for her insistence on showing off her incredible upper arms. Handlers have continually tried to fatten up her arms in order to broaden her appeal, by offering her treats that other First Ladies would not have been able to resist, like American flag cake and rice krispie treats made with fruity pebbles. But Michelle’s self-discipline and inexplicable ability to eat a single mint Milano in one sitting have separated her from ordinary, arm-flappin’ Americans.

Past First Ladies have, of course, been well known for their staunchly fat arms. Eleanor Roosevelt’s upper arms were featured on several World War II posters with the caption “Keep Our Boys Safe In These Arms” and Barbara Bush was known for inviting members of the press to photograph her from her “good side” (elbow up). Nancy Reagan often decorated her chubby arms with red and blue ribbons for special occasions.

Michelle Obama’s arms have tested well among yoga freaks, people on the Paleo diet, and Barack Obama.

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