The Staff of Quimbleton Prep School to Students, August 30, 2007

The Dorms are still being renovated, so some students will have to live in Chesterton Hall. We apologize for the shoddy accommodations.

Dear Students,

We are so thrilled to welcome you all back for the new school year. As we enter the 131st year of instruction at Terrence L.W. Quimbleton School, here’s what we’ll be looking forward to:

  • The annual student-teacher regatta will be held on Lake Perseph on September 9th. Parents, please be sure your child’s yacht is sufficiently waxed to avoid embarrassment.
  • The Homecoming Ball will be held after the big rivalry match against Lord Fontleroy’s School for the Poor Wealthy. The ladies from the Elizabeth Chatterton School are anxious to meet you, so please be sure to pack at least one karat’s worth of diamonds.
  • Speaking of the Rivalry Game, all team members should have registered their Polo Ponies with Coach Snettern by now. If you haven’t, please come see him in the athletic complex.
  • When choosing school supplies, please be sure to remember that all pens should be monogrammed for safety.
  • All butlers, valets, footmen, and other assorted serving peoples must be registered with the Office of Lessers and Poors when they arrive.

We’re looking forward to another great year of hard work! Be sure to join us at Dr. Sloancutter’s Convocation Address and Cucumber Sandwich Luncheon on Monday to kick things off with a bang!

Loretta Persimmon Jones-Gerard, Dean of Students and Equestrian Coordinator

Analysis:

Every year, Quimbleton Prep leaks a letter along these lines to the media, to ensure that the public does not forget what superior lives they are living with their horses and their regularly sanitized combs. This ensures that people maintain the proper amount of envy so that Quimbleton will not be unduly scrutinized by the authorities.

It is a tradition started in the 16th Century at Christ Church College, Oxford. At that time, town criers would shout out all the terrific things going on inside the walls of the college, like smore making parties and the burning of various scientific leaders in effigy. Rival colleges Balliol, Merton, and others would send out their own town criers to loudly describe the fun they were having–mock debates, throwing spitballs, whipping servants, goose-eating contests, etc.

The sound of their yelling caused many of the peasants selling their wares in the market to go deaf, ensuring they would not be able to advance up the social ladder.

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1 Comment

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One response to “The Staff of Quimbleton Prep School to Students, August 30, 2007

  1. Marianne

    One of your best. Dad says jolly, bravo, good.

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