Wooooosh! It’s me, Hurricane Isaac!
With all the speculation recently about my political beliefs, I just wanted to publicly clarify: On social issues, I am more right-leaning. That’s why I think New Orleans is a haven of sin that must be destroyed. Not an unpopular opinion among hurricanes. But on the other hand, I’m a fiscal liberal. We need the government to regulate corporations. I may be a hurricane, but that doesn’t mean I believe in wanton destruction.
And I don’t know if this counts as a political view, but I just can’t stand Marco Rubio.
That’s it! Thanks for publishing this.
While scientists are only now beginning to understand the political leanings of hurricanes and other natural disasters, religious scholars and politicians have been studying these phenomena for generations. Shockingly, most have concluded that natural disasters are caused by and disproportionally affect the people God and/or the Gods already hate, which is convenient as otherwise they’d need to update their manuals. Once, a pastor in Devonshire England learned that a flood was caused by his congregation eating too much chocolate and was excommunicated for his trouble.
Modern analysts put a lot of stock into where and when a disaster occurs. For example, many Christians believe the most recent Japanese earthquake was God’s punishment for either tentacle porn cartoons or stir-fried gizzards. Hurricane Katrina was caused by the Gays, which is obviously why San Francisco’s Castro Street and Provincetown, Massachusetts were both wiped out simultaneously (note: most of the people who believe this to be true have never been to either of these places, but read something somewhere about it being true. They’re too scared of catching the Gay to confirm.) Hurricane Irene was punishment for Occupy Wall Street, which explains all the flooding in Vermont.
Hurricane Isaac, which caused the cancellation of the first night of the Republican National Convention (for the first time since W.T. Sherman and a bottle of fine Bourbon caused massive damage at the 1868 convention), has been seen as leaning several ways. The letter above is most likely a forgery. Hurricanes tend not to write “woosh” in their letters, as” woosh” to a hurricane is something they say involuntarily as filler, somewhat like “uh” or “like” is to a native English speaker. Republican leaders believe that somehow this means the hurricane, as well as future hurricanes, is a big fan of legitimate rape. Republican convention attendees believe strongly that this is a plot by President Obama to turn their guns over to the United Nations and force them to learn Spanish. Finally, scientists believe this is nature’s way of telling us that energy released by warm condensation causes higher wind speeds than normal, which cycles in a wind-induced surface heat exchange causing a cyclone to form. They also caution that a similar hurricane (Andrew) in 1992 supported Ross Perot for awhile before finally casting a ballot for Bill Clinton, which does suggest that Hurricane Isaac may agree with some of Ron Paul’s economic platform. Polls of hurricanes’ political leanings are currently in the field, as both the Romney and Obama campaigns vie for this up-and-coming demographic.