Rep. Todd Akin to Police Chief, January 2002

Dear Chief Wilson,

When a man is pulled over for speeding, conventional wisdom says we should always issue him a citation. So when you pulled me over the other day for going 45 through a school zone, this is what you did. However, we should really re-examine the philosophy behind this rule. If a man is not legitimately speeding, we really have no basis to issue a citation. An accident can only be caused by someone who legitimately speeds.

In my case, none of my children actually go to the school in question, so for me, it’s really not a school zone. It’s just a stretch of road with goofy signs. I’m also pretty sure it was a public school, which means that the kids are used to being hit by cars. Hell, I figure you gotta hit a public school kid at 80 miles per hour to even hurt them. So already, we have a case that my speeding was not legitimate.

Add to this the fact that I didn’t enjoy speeding that day, rather that I was late to a very important meeting, and the picture becomes even clearer. If you are not speeding for enjoyment, you aren’t really speeding at all. These facts should show you that my ticket should be tossed out. Furthermore, the fact it was even issued is an outrage.

Please read the enclosed guide, Todd Akin’s Guide to Legitimate Crimes, written by me, Congressman Todd Akin, to learn more. Frankly, I’m very disappointed you even cited me for this ridiculous mix-up, when there are so many legitimate rapes and legitimate murders to sort out. Not to mention legitimate file sharing.

Yours respectfully,

The Hon. Todd Akin, aka the A-Train, aka a Legitimate Member of the United States lawmaking process

Analysis:

U.S. Representative Todd Akin has come under fire recently for a comment he made about a woman’s inability to conceive if she is “like legit raped.” But long before Akin’s words were like acid burning in the public ear, Akin was already berating, misleading, and annoying the public with his Guide to Legitimate Crimes, which he started writing in third grade and has continued writing for several decades. Here is an early excerpt:

Littering: Legitimate littering involves throwing trash on the ground the size of a Doritos bag or larger. Illegitimate littering is defined as littering that nobody notices me do.

Here’s a more recent excerpt, showing an increasing lack of coherence:

Shoplifting: Legitimate shoplifting is what I say it is. If I could afford to pay for something but didn’t, that doesn’t count. How about Best Buy should get arrested.

With all these rules, confused police have not yet arrested Akin for being a legitimate menace to society.

 

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