Principal Matthew Olson to the students of PS 933

It’s great to see the line of cars pulling up to our new outdoor facility in the abandoned quarry off Route 9, just like they used to arrive at this gorgeous historic building.

Dear Students and Parents,

Welcome to another wonderful year here at PS 933! We are so excited for all that 2012-2013 has in store. Of course, these are tough economic times and we all have to tighten our belts. PS 933 is no exception! Here are the cost-cutting measures you can expect this year:

  • As part of a state-sponsored initiative to save paper, we will be burning last year’s textbooks to heat the school. We will not be replacing these, but students are encouraged to ask last year’s students what they remember.
  • There will be no annual Autumn Ball, but special sessions will be offered to train students to sneak into other schools’ dances.
  • The cafeteria will no longer offer free breakfast for low-income students, but students with household incomes of $60K+ will be required to sign up to bring breakfast for the cafeteria workers.
  • In lieu of hot school lunches, it’s PB&Js and off-brand potato chips for everyone, every day.
  • Math and English will be combined into one class to be known as Manglish, which will focus on such topics as methods for efficiently counting slaves in the days of Mark Twain and the oppression of prime numbers in Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird.
  • Physical education class will be eliminated so we can rent out the gym to a Korean casino chain, but students are sure to get a workout doing the jobs of the maintenance and janitorial staff we had to lay off.
  • Of course, the one program we would never dream of dismantling is the arts program, and in fact funding for music, visual art, and theater classes will be doubled this year to $4 each.

Go Muskrats!

Sincerely,

Mr. Matthew “Principal Olson” Olson

Analysis:

It’s no surprise that in these tough economic times, public schools are being forced to cut back on many of the luxuries some of our readers may be familiar with. Whereas we may have had older textbooks that still referred to China as “opium country” and called the chapter on Civil Rights “Why America may Finally be Ready to Love the Irish,” most students today have to share one textbook for warmth, as the heat can only be turned on for 12 hours a semester. Also, most science textbooks have been eaten in place of school lunches (many of which provided more nutritional value than a typical school lunch), but have been kindly replaced by the Kirk Cameron Foundation for Dumber Children and their in-house science book, “Jesus the Teacher: Quotes from the Bible about Gravity, Electromagnetism, and Biology.”

While this may be depressing for some readers, don’t forget that every economic downturn requires compromise, and we have luckily elected state-wide officials who will make the tough choices, like firing all school nurses in order to preserve the Thomas J. Clark tax cut for large industrial electronic suppliers and their pets. But even the snobby private schools these lawmakers send their children to have had to make sacrifices. Choate, for example, has had to cut back their caviar brunch to three days a week, while the poor faculty at Philips Andover had to make do with only one set of classroom iPads each (and these are iPad 2s!). So you see, we’re all in this together.

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