From a couple to their potential surrogate, July 2012

All your clothes look like maternity clothes anyway!

Dear Sharyn,

You’ve been a dear friend to us for a long time, and we think of you as a member of our family. There’s no easy way to ask this, so here goes nothing: Will you be our surrogate?

Phew! It’s great to have that out in the open. Before you start to think of all the reasons why becoming our surrogate would be a challenge, here are the reasons we chose you (over Kate and Christine):

1) Your incredible child-bearing hips. Have you seen yourself in a tight pair of jeans lately? Your body was built to reproduce. Kate’s too thin!

2) Your abrasive personality. It’s a cruel world out there, especially for a kid with two dads. We want our baby to be as obnoxious and quick-witted as you are!

3) Your oversensitivity and tendency toward depression. We don’t want some boring kid who is going to be good at lacrosse (like Christine–omigod have you felt her quads?). We want an artist.

4) Your furry upper lip. If you look like a model, you never have to work for anything. We want to teach our kid about injustice by having him look like you.

5) Your tendency to jump headfirst into things without really considering the long-term consequences. That one’s obvious.

So, what do you say? We’ll stir our semens up and hand em over–you just say the word!

Love,

Tim and Addison

Analysis:

The use of letters to ask for awkward favors dates back to the Vikings, who would write letters whenever they needed someone to do some pillaging for them, which was such a hassle otherwise. In a missive dated c. 1000, Erik the Red wrote:

“Eijolf the Foul, Terror of the Seas,

I’ve got a quick favor to ask you. It’s nothing really, just this little seaside village I’m supposed to pillage by the end of the week, but who has the time? Think you could just nip over there and do it for me? Won’t take long, I promise, and I’ll owe you big time.

Cheers,

Erik the Red”

Sharyn Black, the recipient of the letter above was appropriately flattered that Tim and Addison picked her over Kate and Christine, who are blond and whatever but also not that smart.

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