Dear Friends of Central Park,
It has come to our attention that many of our clearly posted and easy to understand rules have been ignored. Let us remind you that using the Park is a privilege and not a right, and that this only works if we all do our part to make this place as lovely as possible. Here are some specific complaints and what you can do to help:
- NO GRILLING! Please do not bring your own grills and make your own food. Most backyard barbecue food is unhealthy and smells gross. Plus, smoke gets everywhere. If you need a hot dog, why not buy a delicious one that’s been sitting in water since Clinton’s first election (Bill, not Hill) from one of our many vendors? Only $8.50!
- Alcoholic beverages are not allowed, unless you meet one of the following criteria: A) You are a group of attractive blond women drinking expensive wine and pretending to be on Sex and the City. b) You are a group of attractive douchebag bankers drinking cheap beer out of RED SOLO CUPS ONLY. Other colors not permitted. Please feel free to leave these as trash everywhere. C) You are a hobo drinking a 40 of cheap hooch. Please be advised you may need to show your Hobo ID and confirm maximum hooch quality.
- All women wearing bikinis while sunbathing must meet Mayor Bloomberg’s new Attractiveness System Standard (ASS) guidelines. Any woman falling below a 6 will be issued a citation. We don’t want this to look like a Park in Milwaukee, people.
- There are no equivalent guidelines in place for men removing their shirts while running and/or tanning. However, please be advised that the Central Park Committee of Judgmental Gay Men will be patrolling path and field areas. They are licensed to insult and/or mock anyone showing any of (but not limited to): beer bellies, love handles, short shorts, furry stomachs and/or backs, flabby arms, etc.
- All crying, whining, or hyperactive children will be scolded by our team of bitter old people. We are not responsible for any long-term psychological damage that results.
With your help and by following a few simple rules, you can help keep Central Park the jewel of Manhattan. A trim, fit, well-behaved jewel.
Dr. Angela Van Wijk-Houston
Summer has always been a time to get outside, shed some clothing, and enjoy the best of nature. However, with what Dr. Andy Durphey of the University of Fitness calls “The Uglification of America,” many metro areas have been trying to crack down on the size and ugliness of their park goers. While not banning them outright, many parks have tried to limit the “unattractiveness quotient” of their visitors by resorting to draconian measures, often called “Anti-Fatty” regulations, despite also covering faces, minimum breast size (Los Angeles), and minimum blondeness requirements (Phoenix). For a brief period in 2008, the entire metropolitan area of Miami was closed to anyone not rated a “9” or higher by the Mayor’s Council on hotness, limiting the beaches to women with “that hot Latina thing happening” and “gay men who look like club bartenders, male strippers and/or Taylor Kitsch” (Miami City Council Res. 991B, sec. iii-c).
A non-discrimination suit did eventually reach the Supreme Court, where a slim 5-4 majority held that Anti-Fatty regulations were “generally within the public interest, especially in the Midwest.” Justice Scalia wrote the majority opinion, adding in a footnote that “Central Park especially has many places where dirty old men can see what’s going on inside the park, so really it’s win-win for everyone.” Chief Justice Roberts concurred, arguing that the court should take a group vacation to Miami. Surprisingly, Justice Thomas wrote a dissenting opinion arguing that since most of America was founded by “pasty, gap-tooted, chunky Englishmen,” it would be more likely the founders would have recommended MAXIMUM attractiveness quotients, no matter how fetching Alexander Hamilton’s buttocks looked in those breeches. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s dissent was never released, but those who read it claim that “no Supreme Court opinion ever had so much profanity, especially the phrase m*****-f*****s,” since Chief Justice Hughes’ concurring opinion in United States v. Butler in 1936.