Randall Madison to his cousin Mike, July 5th, 2001

This one was just a big mess. 2/10, would not view again.

Hey Mikey!

Sorry you couldn’t come out to the fireworks with us! It sucks getting sick in the summer. Lucky for you, Terry, Bribri and myself spent the entire show taking copious notes. I will now tell you exactly what you missed:

  1. Red, circular
  2. Green, circular
  3. Red and green, ovoid
  4. One of those ones that sparkle afterwards, loud
  5. Flashbang, really loud
  6. Red, circular
  7. White, sort of trickled down like a weeping willow
  8. Combination red, circular and one of those ones that spins around in a spiral. Brownish? [I’d call it Champagne -Bribri]
  9. Yellow sparkler, flash bangs – made a child in front of us cry
  10. Red, white, and blue circular, followed by a flashbang
  11. Outline of a naked woman!!!!! [This was probably just a coincidence, but there were two small white and pink ones that looked totally like boobs – Bribri]
  12. Something else boring, I don’t know [It was a golden spinny thing – Terry]

[Page missing]

32. Porkchop

33. Grand finale begins – colored shitshow, wicked loud, lots of annoying crying babies at this point.

34. More of this crap. I can’t believe I agreed to do this. You probably aren’t even reading anymore.

35. Your mom. [ No it wasn’t. It just looked kind of like her. – Bribri]

So that’s it. It’s just like you were there!

Happy Fourth!

Randall

Analysis:

Letters are good at many things, but perhaps their best use is conveying information about an event after the event has occurred. Such letters have been written since the beginning. Take, for example, this passage from the Gospel of Matthew:

And yay, did Ezekiel rend the papyrus, moving to read the contents of the missive inside. And he was most moved by the letter, which described the miracle in great detail. “Jesus totally turned all the water into wine, bro. Killer party. You shoulda been there.” And Ezekiel was saddened, because his sister’s sick cat was indeed less fun than the party.

Today, with the proliferation of digital cameras, many people have decided that describing an event is simply too much effort. Perhaps a picture would be worth 1000 words of description. What people don’t realize is that when that cliche was first introduced, there were comparatively few pictures, while everyone had some words lying around somewhere. Therefore, the exchange rate was astronomical. Today, though, most pictures are completely worthless and the general population has the vocabulary of a precocious 10 year-old, so the exchange rate has dropped considerably. As of this writing, it’s hovering around 1 picture = 12.76 words.

All of that aside, it’s probably not worth trying to describe fireworks in text.

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