CEO of 20th Century Fox to Shareholders, June 2012

Remember, the key word is “big.” Big explosions + big breasts = Big money

Shareholders in 20th Century Fox:

I hope you’re ready! It’s time for Fox’s big summer movie season, when we make lots of money off of movies, or in many cases, “pink slime” (a movie-like substitute we are forced to label as such by the assholes in Congress). Since most of you haven’t seen a movie since “The Big Chill,” we’ve decided to run down our investments this summer in this memo.

  • Kickpuncher, The Legend of Rock Dwayneson – Our season “kicks” off with this action-packed film from director Mike Hardrock, formerly of Vivid Enterprises. Starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Ryan Reynolds, and Nicki Minaj, there will be punching. And kicking. But will there be kickpunching? You’ll have to buy a ticket to find out! (Spoiler Alert! Yes, there will be).
  • Nightfist – Summer is a time for superheroes, so why shouldn’t we cash in on the trend? Unfortunately, Warner Brothers owns Batguy and Superfriend, while Disney owns the Marvelettes, so we were forced to find a lesser known superhero. Channing Tatum and Channing Tatum’s abs star as Dirk Kelvin, a mild-mannered night guard who gets into a tragic accident and becomes Nightfist, a vigilante out for justice with fists that can see in the dark. A surefire merchandising goldmine.
  • Schindler’s List II: The Re-Schindlering -What could make the original better? Zombies. What else? How about Mr. Nicolas Cage as Roscoe Schindler, Nazi-zombie-hunting brother of Oskar? We couldn’t get Liam Neeson, but for some reason Universal was totally willing to part with the rights to the story.
  • Love Pangs – Ashton Kutcher and Nicole Kidman star in this light-hearted romp about an unlikely romance that develops in a starving village in Africa. Based on the best-selling “Poverty, Death, and Disease: A History,” this is bound to grab the critics. But don’t worry! We took out all the depressing stuff! Djimon Hounsou also stars as a non-threatening black guy.
  • Some dumb romantic comedy – Women apparently like movies too, and I guess stupid rom-coms are their version of action movies. So we’ve hired Katherine Heigl to star in something. We haven’t actually written the movie or anything yet, but who cares? It’s probably about some career woman (a firefighter? A farmer? A Wall Street CEO?) who finds love from some guy who’s kind of a schlub. People will never see it coming.
  • La Fine di Tutte le Cose – This tearjerker from Italy about a poor single mother just after World War II… Gotcha! Foreign tearjerkers? Not on my watch, Europe!

We fully predict these films will make us all extremely rich (well, rich-er), as long as there are no damn kids pirating them on the internetbay of pirates. Which, as we all know, is the only reason movies don’t make money.

Yours in cash,

Stephen Blairson

CEO, 20th Century Fox

Analysis:

In the spring of 2012, the American public was outraged to discover that many of the movies it had paid to see were actually “pink slime,” a movie-like substance created from grinding up bits of Kardashian and the set of Anchorman. While perfectly satisfying to watch as long as you didn’t realize what they were, these slime films had no inherent social or aesthetic value. 

Parents who had planned to park their children at the nearest AMC-Loews over the summer didn’t really care either way but felt compelled to protest because all their friends were doing it, leading Congress to pass the so-called Call It Like It Is bill. “If it’s crap, just be honest about it. Don’t give Paul Giamatti a cameo and pretend that it’s a real movie,” said Senator Barbara Boxer (D-California). “Nobody wants to spend $12 to see Miley Cyrus pretend to cry.”

By the time this letter made its way to 20th Century Fox shareholders, everyone in the world had decided to stay home.

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