President of Crop Circle-Making Society to Members, 1996

Coded extraterrestrial missive or breezy day? Let’s try to kick things up a notch, shall we, Nebraska branch?

Dear Crop Destroying Friends,

My dear, dear friends. You are truly masters of confusion and secrecy. Our massive, deceptive installations have convinced the world that aliens are here, right now, on this earth, trying to send us a message. When in actuality it is just us and some plows. We have succeeded at making impressive, larger-than-life configurations of circles and straight lines, but in this fast-paced age of screen printed t-shirts and at-home carbonation systems, we have to think of something more shocking, more enduring, something clearly not formed by an especially windy day.

Perhaps it is time to try spelling something out or adding some color. We could write a bad word, like “fuck” or the n-word. And Gerry from Omaha developed a plant-based dye that can easily turn an entire field purple. That would sure make them sit up and take notice! The main thing is, we can’t keep making the same old crop circles. We must evolve, just as aliens would probably evolve on their home planets if they existed, which they don’t.

I look forward to seeing what you’ve come up with in the fields of the future!

Sincerely,

“Matt” Casteras

President, Crop Circle Society of America

Analysis:Until this letter was discovered, most people believed crop circles were actual evidence of alien contact. After all, if you had traveled millions of miles at great personal risk with technology that is many times more advanced than ours, the most practical way to announce your presence on a new planet would be to cut down some plants. Of course, people haven’t been predominately farmers for hundreds of years, so most of them didn’t realize how easy it actually is to cut down plants, preferring to assume that it takes something like a laser cannon as opposed to say, a plow.

The CCSA was disbanded shortly after this letter was leaked to the Peoria Women’s Gardening Board Newsletter in early 2003. Secret Society analysts, though, are unsure whether the society closed due to this letter exposing them as frauds, or the really terrible M. Night Shyamalan movie “Signs,” released in 2002. Purportedly, after seeing the movie presuming it would put their work on the map, President Casteras left the theater and remarked to his wife, “Boy howdy, this isn’t what we were after at all.”

Still, there are unexplained phenomena along the same lines as crop circles. For example, nobody really understands why if you look at the New York City skyline from certain angles it resembles a laughing Rutherford B. Hayes. Most analysts believe it to be either alien intervention (Professor Delbert Crumberlin of Missiaqua College imagines a race of aliens with a terrible understanding of the lessons of American industrialization) or really high quality LSD that you just like, can’t find these days, man.

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