How are you? My name is Willard Romney, but everyone calls me Mitt. We’re going to be pen pals! Let me tell you a little about myself.
My favorite color is green. What’s your favorite color? Mine is red. Is yours red? It’s ok if it’s blue, because I like blue a lot too. It’s my favorite color!
Sometimes I like to play football. It’s my favorite sport. What’s your favorite sport? I like Baseball the best. Mickey Mantle is my favorite player, except for when he’s not.
I hate brussel sprouts, it’s my least favorite vegetable. My favorite vegetable is brussel sprouts.
What are your servant’s names? Mine are Dobbs, Herbert, Willison, Thompson, Briggs, Collimore, and Harris. What’s your allowance? Mine is only 12,000 per week.
Please write back!
Your new friend,
Willard Mitt Romney
GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been trying to sustain a relationship with a pen pal since he was eight years old. Over the past 57 years, he has sent introductory letters to over 6,000 prospective pen pals, but for various reasons, he simply hasn’t been able to excite a pen pal long enough to get them to write back even once.
Analysts disagree over the reasons Romney is such a dud as a letter writer, but agree it probably has something to do with how spineless and boring he is. “In print, a person can be whoever they want to be,” says Professor Gerry Minor of We Love University University. “But even with the assistance of a focus group, Romney has been unable to decide who that is.”
The Romney family’s correspondence has been in the news lately after Democratic advisor Hilary Rosen accused Ann Romney of “never writing a letter in her life,” and Ms. Romney protested that notes in her son’s lunchboxes should not be treated as anything less than a real letter. “If she’d been there, writing five different notes for five different boys every weekday, I’ll tell ya. It was not easy,” Ms. Romney said as she tossed out a pair of uncomfortably tight diamond earrings.