CEO of Manischewitz to the board, March 2010

And since when is it not OK to give wine to children anyways?

Gentlemen:

Obviously, you are aware of our current predicament. I should not need to emphasize our need to expand our sales base. We are always limited by the fact that our wine tastes vaguely like Sweet Tarts blended with dollar store grape juice, so I have a few ideas for expanding our customer base and improving our revenue outlook for this Passover season.

  1. Vertical Integration – We are already providing wine and matzo ball mix to a large percentage of the demographic. We must expand to encompass every facet of the consumer’s Seder experience. This should include increased production of the following new products: Manischewitz salted water, Manischewitz branded parsley, Manischewitz roasted lamb bone, and of course, Uncle Manischewitz’s Good-time Family Afikomen.
  2. Increasing wine consumption – Too many consumers are drinking a reduced amount of our wine. Some people are interpreting “cup of wine” as “2 sips of wine.” Not only do we need to make sure the letter of the law is being followed, we should be producing our own Manischewitz chalices, constructed to hold 1/3 to 1/2 a bottle of wine each. Let’s not let Granny off the hook. Speaking of off the hook, maybe we can talk to marketing about making Passover a little hipper for the kids? I’m thinking the Jewish Mardi Gras/St. Patrick’s Day/Four-Twenty. Manischewitz branded drinking games?
  3. Elijah – This is a huge wasted opportunity. We are letting people get away with just one cup for this guy. I’ve had our house Rabbi, Rick Chang, looking through the scriptures and he thinks we can convince people that either Elijah comes with his 10 army buddies, or that he’s 12 feet tall and needs an entire bottle of wine to even get a little buzz.

These are just a few examples. I’m sure we will come up with more at the meeting Thursday. Remember, we only get one shot at this per year. We have to make it count.

Best,

Giacomo van der Plotz,

CEO and Mensch, Manischewitz

Analysis:

When this letter was leaked to the press by us, the response was shock, then horror, then some more shock, then acceptance. Of course, the Jewish population had long suspected that Manischewitz was up to no good, but while some wanted to resist their insidious influence, others felt like, well, that’s what we always get.

Even after this letter was released, consumption of Manischewitz products went up annually, partly because of a number of non-Jews serving Manischewitz wine to the kids at their toddler’s birthday parties.

Seder drinking games can also be blamed for a rise in consumption of Manischewitz wine, including drinking every time someone asks if it’s time for dinner yet, drinking every time Pharaoh is mentioned, and a solo drinking game in which the player drinks every time he wishes he was somewhere else.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “CEO of Manischewitz to the board, March 2010

  1. marianne larson

    May I just say that the liquor store I went to yesterday was sold out of the beloved Concord Grape varietal.

  2. Alison

    got the last bottle at whole foods!

  3. Raven

    I honestly don’t see the CEO or understand. Will someone tell me who the CEO is?

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